Twitter, you heard wrong...


"We heard you like Twitter," insists Twitter for Business. Well NO!!! I don't like Twitter.

Here is a listicle of WHY I DON'T LIKE TWITTER:

1.

Oh look! A bunch of tweets in which I am mentioned. They have been liked by the wonderful author Katya Mills aka Vitamin K @katya444ever.
Now, without the need to go back through my Twitter feed in a farken DeLorean, WHO TF TWEETED THEM ORIGINALLY, PLEASE? I MEAN, REALLY?

Somebody shouts at you on Twitter and half the time it's like "Who the hell said that?"

2. Searching for better SEARCH functionality! How about that, ehhh?
Let's say I want to do a search for the most excellent Dario Cannizzaro to see if he's performing his literary works anywhere nearby!


"Gimme a C please Carol!"
(I will put in a C - just coz I am a difficult beshterd and I have been mumbling the name Cannizzaro to myself in an Italian accent for the last ten seconds. "Can-itz-ar-roe, Can-itz-ar-roe!")



Sure enough, up pops Dario as my most popular search - even for the letter C! Wow! Impressive memory for the search engine! Let me just click on his name here...










- WHAT THE??? WTF just happened there?
I am clicking on a search for college dropouts all of the southern!
Those Twitter developers must be fitness-fad fanatics!
Coz they're a bunch of pilox!
You zumba bitch!

3. Call off the search
Oftentimes, if I may be so bold as to suggest it, Google finds people quicker than Twitter. Google the person and add twitter in the Google search bar in order to find their account. 
Because Twitter is unlikely to know who the heck you're talking about.

4. Its app was fricken disastrous.
I haven't touched the Twitter app for at least two years but I wouldn't download that thing again unless they paid me twenny dollah a week bare minimum. I don't know if it's any good these days, but my rationale is outlined here. (The main reason is that other apps/browsers do a better job on Twitter than Twitter does.)

5. It's 2017 yo.
Why are we character-limited in 2017 anyway? 
Platform popularity is due in part to server capacity, right? You don't want it too slow. It crawls along sometimes. It struggles to upload content. 
And Twitter downtime is a terrible thing but it happens too often. Like, what do they have exactly at the backend to NOT prevent outages?
Are they operating off a pair of laptops and a cat's brains?

So, these are the reasons. And then some.