Posts from Social Media...

Top tip. Apparently the elderly are getting into the biking and the painting, and between the mud and the grandkids, the clothes are being feckin destroyed. But if you put a bit of Vanish on, and use the scoop to mash it in before you put on a wash, you'll be feckin' sorted out!


I usually hike up the local mountain, and dump my rubbish there so I don't have to pay for it.
But now they're talking about hiking bin charges!

Is there nowhere we can hike to dump our rubbish any more? That has to be the last straw I will dump up there, from my McDonald's Happy Meal.

"I appreciate your sense of humour" sometimes actually means "If anyone else had said what you just said, there would be a tribunal."

Fiction Facts: "VI Warshawski" was originally supposed to be called "Six Warshawski" but they mispronounced it at the printer's.

Israel has cut the water to the West Bank during Ramadan.
It's not "No Ramadan for YOU!"
It's "No! Ramadan for YOU! 24-7!"

My new cop drama tv pilot has Constable Gareth Drabs and his work partner, Inspector Jim Little Dribs, solving murders. I want to call it something like "Cagney and Lacey", but more silly. Trying to think...

Calling Nutella "The Hazelnut Spread" is a bit like calling a hamburger a "hamburger". Coz it's usually mostly beef in it. Just a bit of ham. And some rats' toes and stuff.

More social media posts

"Thronecast, only on Sky Atlantic"? Well, it's also on Sky Atlantic +1, isn't it? Once again you've been caught out in your vile mendacity, Mr Murdoch!

At the height of summer, bring a whistle with you wherever you go. If you pass any informal football kickarounds on the street or just off it, stop, blow your whistle and shout "Lads, you're going to have to play this one out!" and, as you move off again, point your finger and move it in a circular motion until you've disappeared.

That twatbag Trump still banging on about a ban on Muslims. You can't BAN people from anywhere! You ban THINGS, like smoking. You BAR people. ‪#‎KnowYourFascism‬. #MuslimSmokersLounge‬

BBC's Crimewatch Roadshow did a piece about the dangers of shining laser pens into the sky at helicopter cockpits at night. They even showed footage of how powerfully the light diffracts off the windshield, compounding sight problems for the pilot. Thanks for that, Crime Tips Roadshow!

How to Cook Well with Rory O'Connell is on TV now. We'll assume Rory's a good chef. So if Rory's here, I won't have to cook. I can watch and learn. But cooking well WITHOUT Rory O'Connell would be quite an achievement.

Foreign accent syndrome is a lot like alcoholism or heroin use: Once you fall into the trap of a diction, it's very difficult to get out.

"I don't understand the formula!" says a panicked finance student.
"But you can apply it?"
"Yes."
"Okay. I can't help you with the maths. And you know what I don't really understand? Electricity. But it doesn't stop me watching the television!"
"I suppose."
"Believe me, a few years from now you'll be on the big money, happily running data through your system and relaying the output down to the market floor traders, inadvertently destroying the world economy."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes!"
These kids need a confidence boost coz they'll be in charge of our futures! And other financial instruments!


When you don't switch to the symbol keyboard on a smartphone, you can often hit the m character instead of the question mark. You can get away with this typo by pretending that you've given an interrogative little hum at the end of your question, you knowm
Like:
What do you think of that new Warcraft moviem
Is it more Clash of the Titans, or Lord of the Ringsm

List of Questions to Ask on Quora

When is a car "too much" of a car?
A friend has added an extra pair of wheels to his car. But I am wondering if six wheels is too many? At what point is adding tires to a car "going a little bit too far" in terms of wheel numbers?
I accidentally locked my parish priest in my bathroom before going on a six-week vacation. But how do I explain this to him without hurting his feelings?
My local parish priest is "old" but he isn't what you'd call "elderly". I was packing my bags for a working/volunteer vacation in South America, and he called around with some building tools. He went to the bathroom after having a cup of tea. Rushing to get my flight, I forgot he was in there. I set the house alarm, which also automatically bolt-locks every closed door and window in my home. I tried to call him on the way to the airport, but I think he left his phone in my living room. I didn't want to make too many overseas calls because they're expensive while I'm in South America. So how do I explain this all to him when I get back home in five weeks?

Is it possible to masturbate a testicle out of existence?
I can't feel one of my testicles, and when I press the fold of skin into where it ought to be, the flesh is sucked in a little, like a low-power hoover trying to pull the sac into my body. Is this wrong?


How do I get rid of the box of dead kittens under my bed?
What do you do when you have run out of the space under your bed where you hide all your dead kittens? I am asking for a "friend". I still have plenty of space, but my "friend" has a lot of other junk under there and she's a very messy person and she smells funky and I don't really like her. Boy, is she a big stinker!


Is Donald Trump actually Donald Duck in disguise?

I saw a show called Duck Tails and it had a duck who looked A LOT like Donald Duck called Scrooge McDuck. But he also looked and acted like Donald Trump, and he had a lot of money. And he pouted because he had duck lips. Donald Trump pouts even though he has mean, thin lips, and angry expressions, and he makes funny faces like a cartoon too, all screwed up like when Donald Duck is angry. What gives?

How to Stop Trump Strategy of Gurning His Way to Presidency

He doesn't earn as much as he claims. And he pays himself more than he's worth. He has failed casinos, failed property developments, failed marriages, failed golf courses, failed his fellow men, and he failed his own university: 

And all of it done through the force of his own toe-like-fingers, constantly pointing at others with great charisma. 

A thin-Cheeto-fake-tan-skinned cheat in business, Mr Trump will also cheat his way to the White House with this same thin skin wrapped around his gurning face.
So how can Donald Trump be stopped? Even the Republican leaders want rid of him, but the Republican leadership is itself in disarray. 

With a new generation of politicians replacing those from the time of Dubya's presidency, rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?



One innovative idea has been hit upon by Supporters of Beards & Sandals. The Beards & Sandals movement has been in operation - both inside, and outside, the beltway - during this entire election cycle. It's in the process of being wound up by a rival wing of the Democratic Party. Wound up no end!

However, the plan is simple: 

To glue a $20 bill to the pavement in the vicinity of Mr. Trump. 

The glue itself needs to be applied liberally before the currency note is stuck down. Knowing that Mr Trump is in fact a low-income earner, he won't pass up the cash. 

When Trump sees the two-sawbuck banknote on the ground, he will stoop to pick it up, and, as he struggles to take the bill, some of his fine lion's mange of hair will fall into the glue, trapping him, in a reverse Rapunzel-like maneuver - to a two-meter radius.

Although the strategy was devised more than six months ago, the fans of Beards & Sandals have been unable to launch the operation. Their insistence that an organically-produced and environmentally-friendly glue of industrial strength must be used has proved a failing.

I Heard a Vroom! Vroom! in My Bedroom by Eva Cole


Eva Cole’s I Heard a Vroom! Vroom! in My Bedroom is what could be described as a dream narrative for kids, written in a loose
rhyming couplet form. 

Featuring Hot Rod Fred – a sportscar bed – and its occupant, Ted, who is slipping off into sleep one evening when he hears a vroom vroom in his room, the car-bed takes off into the night with his charge on board. Ted is told not to fear his space-bound vehicle, and is instructed on how to travel safely within the confines of this imaginative mode of transport. 

The pair encounter engine problems due to galactic gloop – perhaps a nod towards environmentalism, or the issue of light pollution? (the car itself appears to run on a very green, sweet fuel!) – but once repairs are effected, the adventure continues. The story’s imaginative, illustrated journey could be read as metaphor for any number of issues, and it has a multicultural message at its core. Like all great dreams, it ends on a high leaving the reader wanting more.

Alongside her writing, the author of the slim tome, Eva Cole, has a superbly positive online presence that focuses on sports, entertainment and children's fiction, countless reviews from around the world, and she’s clearly down with the kids! 

You can get I Heard a Vroom Vroom in my Bedroom at Amazon US, Amazon UK and elsewhere.

Rats' Toes: The New Name for Nutella

Calling Nutella "The Hazelnut Spread" is a bit like calling a hamburger a "hamburger". Coz it's usually mostly beef in it. Just a bit of ham. And some rats' toes and stuff.



Correction: An earlier version of this post incorrectly referred to rats' toes as rat's toes, implying that burgers only contained the foot bones and flesh of a specific rat. 


Although a possibility for a number of beef patties - which would likely have been processed at one facility - it was not the writer's intention to suggest that a small percentage of the meat content in a burger - in the general sense of burger - comprises toes from "some rat", but rather, more than one. 





Indeed, the singular "hamburger" denotes not a specific "hamburger" but in this case is presumed to include the plural.


It is what could be regarded as a burger in its most general, Platonic essence.

To further clarify, the word "some" does not refer in any pejorative or dismissive sense to a specific rat (as it is used in this example sentence:



 

"I read about the scandal in some tabloid rag");



neither does the word "some" denote an unspecified, unidentified rat, in the singular sense.






The word "some" - in this context - specifically refers to an undetermined number of toes.





For "some", therefore, you may instead read "a sprinkling of" in order to better appreciate the writer's aim.



The ratio of toe-contribution levels to burger content - although miniscule - would come from vast numbers of nests of rats, spread out over the course of many decades, at hundreds, if not thousands, of meat processing facilities, in billions of burgers.


In summation, then, the new name for Nutella should be Rats' Toes.








Open Letter to the NHS

Dear Doctor It May Concern,

My friend is a feminist through-and-through, with bombs strapped
 
to her undergarments and everything! Don't you worry about that.

However, this friend, originally from Khjkrkhdistan, has a live-in pet. This same iguana requires an operation because he wants to become an air stewardess.

I've told my Mohammedan friend that the gender reassignment operation is available under the wonderful but secular NHS. My friend - from what I can tell through her veil - is incredulous. She doesn't realise that she gets it all for free! But thanks to the Open Doors policy of European Union membership, my friend got into England under the grandmother rule. Her grandmother was killed by a Lee Enfield rifle!

The iguana also requires leg-lengthening procedures so that he meets the height requirements for air travel - lizards like Mr Humperdink can't wear heels, and I've been told that air hostesses cannot either due to cabin pressure and force of heels on the aircraft floor!


 


 

I know I can just throw the lizard into any doctor's waiting room from Land's End to John O'Groats, as well as a few of the less conservative medical institutions in Northern Ireland, and he'll be seen to. 

But are there specialist clinics where he'll be operated on immediately, or does he need to be referred?

Yours etc.

Et Cetera