Lidl launches Drugs Prevention Programme

Rumours are rife that German discount supermarket chain Lidl has started an instore drugs prevention programme across the island of Ireland. The pickled herring and ski-mask vendor has begun the process of rearranging the items in each store so that supermarkets have a unique layout.

Dishwasher tablets
The policy of "No two supermarkets will look the same" may seem like madness, but there's methadone to it.

Already, shoppers have remarked upon the more "higgledy-piggledy" arrangement of products instore.

These layout changes made by management at each outlet -- however -- prevent shoppers being unwittingly "wormholed" by vile drugged-up junky-monkey gangs yoked off their tits on bong hits.


Wormholing involves an aspiring grocery shopper being tranquilised in one store by the sick psycho-pranksters, before being taken to another store with the same
Flight suits and MIG fighter jets, both available at Lidl
layout, where they are given the impression - on first emerging from sleep - that they are at the same location as the one at which they were targeted.


Kites









Piano








The disgusting Breslin and freaky Vaikalas gangs - from areas near the Dundrum and Rathmines supermarkets respectively - are experts at the practice of wormholing. 

In the past, the pig-faced thugs would shoot darts into their victims while they shopped, transporting as many as three drugged individuals to a different store many miles away in the back of a van, before abandoning them there.

The victims would wake, believing themselves in the same Rathmines or Dundrum supermarket, but actually find themselves - jarringly - in a Balbriggan, Finglas, Santry, Drogheda, Navan or Greystones outlet. Ironically, the cruel practice has been aided by the Celtic-Tiger era motorways that now stretch the length and breadth of the country.




Phones
Previously, security guards at Lidl had been told to "exercise discretion" over the states of consciousness of any supermarket customers. Gangs could therefore wormhole Lidl shoppers with greater ease and less complaint than they could at other chains - many of which don't adhere to a uniform aisle layout, and employ staff that might question why somebody unconscious is being dragged around the store having a sleepy in-supermarket shop.



Swords

"Benedictine" ermine, bras and underwear accessories.


However, Lidl's drugs prevention policy will now make wormholing a far more difficult prospect for any gang.


As soon as a would-be shopper comes around from their wormholing, he or she will notice the stark difference between the stores, and raise the alarm.





If you've been affected by any of the issues raised in this piece, contact me and send me money today.