A chocolate maker for Christmas?

What to say to the child who asks for a chocolate maker for Christmas:

Explain about sustainability and how the cocoa farmers of Bolivia will be out of work if you have some kind of magic chocolate maker with an endless supply. 

Ask the child: 

"Do you think chocolate grows on trees? Well it does, actually. Have you ever heard of Fair Trade? Have you heard of social solidarity? No? With that level of ignorance, you'll be making chocolate well into your eighties, as the dessert cook at the European restaurant in Liaoning Province you'll be forced to work in, to send money home to your family!

"And what about Fat Marjorie, removing the damaged Strawberry Dreams from the Roses on the conveyor belt down at the Cadbury's factory? She wouldn't have anything to scoff if we make it all here ourselves."

Tell the child you don't like "the attitude". 

"Ambitions about chocolate making? Who are you? Willy Fricken Wonka? You remind me of the Johnny Depp one, the one who freaked you out. The wrong-side-of-creepy one. Not the Gene Wilder one. Why not? Because it's the way you were raised."

Then shut the child inside a wardrobe with a needle, a thread and some fabric. If there's any complaining, shout in at the child about the concept of Marxist alienation, and it's a hard-earned lesson that must be learned. The child can re-emerge to play videogames or watch Dora or Thomas or whoever it is once a t-shirt has been made.