How to Remedy Strange Cat Activity...

This list is not of normal cat behaviors. Many cat "behaviors" are - in fact - entirely imagined. We have a tendency to anthropomorphise our pets, and to attribute decision-making to them where none exists. 

The expected behavior is in bold, and beneath is a brief explanation, solution or remedy for your cat's behavior:

1. Your cat is making a plaintive, begging noise.

Your stomach is actually making the noise because you drank too much coffee on an empty stomach; your cat is not in the room.

2. Your cat brushes your foot with its tail.

Your dressing gown cord brushes your foot. Your cat is not in the

3. You hear rustling from a plastic bag in the kitchen. Is it your cat looking for food?
In this instance, the carton you put into a plastic bag two hours ago has fallen to the bottom of the bag. It's been ready to slip off the top of the other cardboard in the bag since you binned it. Your cat isn't in the room.

4. With your phone on vibrate, you receive a text message from your cat.
You didn't receive a text message. You received a phantom message - an imagined vibration - from the cigarette packet in your pocket. It says "SMOKING CAUSES CANCER". In fact, your phone is in the other room. With your cat.

5. According to your phone's call log, the last number you
Cat attempting to sneak out of room with phone charger.
dialed is a strange number you don't recognize. You call the number to discover that it's the local pet store. They inform you that your order is on the way. 

Twenty minutes later, an express delivery of cat nip, a high end cat tree too big for your home, and trays of luxury cat food arrives at your door. 

The only adequate response in this instance is to revoke the cat's technology privileges - and in a timely fashion, so that it knows why it's being punished. Your cat shouldn't be ordering anything over the phone, but taking away its phone privileges is necessary in this case. Remember too, it means limiting the use of the computer. Cats are usually more adept at ordering products online rather than over the phone - note how they can't speak particularly well. 

So keep your credit card out of the cat's reach. If he orders any further deliveries, he may have memorized your credit card details. In that case, you will have to cancel that card and order another. Remember - even if he ultimately destroys your credit rating putting through his frivolous orders - you must always tell your cat that you love him, that he's a great little guy, and that he's a very handsome chappy.