Cat profiles with redacted cursewords...

Here is Calvin, or as he's also known, Mr. ****en Squishface. Mr Squishface is an almighty ******ks. He looks all cute and fluffy, with his beautiful fur, and his wondrous brown hind legs, but if you hold out a treat for him, your hand will be returned to you with missing ****ing fingers. 

Even though he's a chubby ****er, he has the claws of a ludicrously ****ing impatient, half-starved ****ing **** of a veloci****ingraptor.

Although he will strip hands of their flesh, seconds later he is still stupid enough to flop like a vibrating ****en cushion when you pick him up and turn him over in your arms, reacting like some class of dead ****bag.

An ostrich burying its head in the sand, the stupid f***en purring p****. 

What a genetic ****up.

Here is Max.

 Max is "The Human".

The spooky ****ing depth to Max's eyes indicates that - beyond question - there's a mother****er of a human under there. 

Some claim that Max is in fact the reincarnation of her Ladyship, Princess Diana of ****ing Wales! He certainly ****en screeches like he is. He greets his fellow humans with a horrific, high-pitched $*~#ing squeal that would tear the eardrums off a rabbit. His insistent squeals are reserved for human interaction; it is rare that he will speak with his lesser ****en feline companions in a similar manner. Adding to the creepiness, he is also a noble but diffident **** of a thing. He wouldn't say boo to a goose. Just don't go near him if you have a headache!

Enough of this ****ing ****!

More *****y cat profiles next time!