Review: European Politics of 2015 - Refugees

"The world doesn't revolve around on a buncha sposedas!" Germany's Angle a Mirkin cited history's judgement as one of many good reasons to let a crowd of refugees across the borders.
Other reasons included but are not limited to - and this list is not exhaustive:

What's on the horizon? Eh? Eh? Eh?
1. It would be wrong not to
2. Germany's 80 million-strong ageing population needs young Syrians to bolster up its back pillows
3. It's the right thing to do

It was uncharacteristically emotion-driven policy, given Angle's reticence about speaking out about things.

Angle spent decades of her life in the Eastrynn Demokakic Germany, having been born and raised there.

Her paranoia about speaking before thinking can be traced to the fact that back in the day you couldn't say a damn thing about anyone or anything in case one of the most repressive intelligence and secret police agencies in world history was eavesdropping. Ahem.



She has since backed down slightly from her "come-one come-all" notions given that the rest of Europe seems a lot more racist except perhaps SFa[NSA&tspoons INSERT SPECIAL CHARACTER LOWERCASE A WITH TWO CIRCLES ABOVE IT]arden, although Angle-a does tug on the heartstrings, God bless her Christian democratic heart of Europe.

Merkel has skirted crisis after crisis in recent years, almost plummeting into a Eurozone while trying to manipulate the Carbon-14 matrix at the database center for the ECB. Instead, she got out in time and the whole thing was blown to the heavens thanks to support from a squadron of X-wings. Also, I have seen Star Wars eight times in two days.

Year in Review: US Politics of 2015

Barney Saunders is not the kind of a man you wanna mess with. He wears his suits like a male model. The kind of model in a display window, that isn't actually a model at all, but more of a wooden
clothes horse with just a proper-looking head stuck on the top of it. This part-time scarecrow is drawing the crowds like Syrians coming to Germany.

JFK was the first ten-in-a-bed president. "Ten-in-a-bed" of course refers to large Catholic Irish families, who would have to fit ten children in one bed in the Rare Aul Times. I dunno what you're thinking of, you pervy fruits!

Obama is the first Dothraki-Khaleesi-Klingon-Coptic-Hindo unholy pope from the Kenyan-Malaysian archipelago.

BUT could Barney be...
The first COMMUNIST president?


"¡No, no, no!" insists his staunchest opponent, former Secretary of State Madeleine Lewinsky. "¡I'LL
be the next communist president! I will be ANYTHING."
"Okay, I'm just gonna inject you with this Windex, Madeleine!"
"¡I don't mind! I will do ANYTHING to win (but I won't do that)."

On the flip side - if he turns his head suddenly - you have Mr ****face Fartman. Old ****face gurns and pouts and loses the run of himself. He inherited his wealth from a man who was possibly in the KKK in the 1920s, Fred Fartman LX. In fact, the evidence suggests that there's far more likelihood that Fred Fartman was in the KKK than there is that Ben Carson is "like a child molester."

Starting out with little more than a couple of hundred million, this Lincoln-like Old ****face now has a string of golf clubs around the world, which he maintains better than the hair on his head.
He talks about women being ugly like as though he's a catch. He points the finger, all very angry, and screams "You're Fayed!" He speaks badly of people. He speaks badly. But he does have a property portfolio, and huge successes following all his bankruptcies. And the Fartman Towers. And the golf courses.

So if Old ****face gets in and he's brought to book like Hitler was, he will also be hiding out in a bunker.

Star Wars

Take one Jake Lloyd in Star Wars: The Fanta Lemon.

Gynanthropomorphize by 100 percent.

 

 Add 10 years.
 
Enhance and diminish cuteness factors in a variety of ways to make the lad more appealing.
Add a director who doesn't behave like Alfred Hitchcock did towards his cast, treating them like automatons made flesh. Or, indeed, the automatons that some of them are sposeda be. 






And who, pray tell, are you left with?

The fantastic and amazing Ridley Diddly!


Is the resemblance intentional? If you can't see it in the pics above, you can certainly see it on the big screen.

The Force Awakens is indeed everything that The Fanta Lemon ought to have been. For those who have lost their faith in the franchise, revisit it with this movie.

The formula is followed - as seen in The Fanta Lemon, Star Wars and ROTJ - in a manner that turns it into the strongest of those films since Star Wars, and there's even a bit of fun pointing out these elements. The character arcs impress. Dialogue appears shoehorned and awkward in one or two scenes, but given that some of it's being delivered by the seasoned actor who told George Lucas almost forty years ago "You can write this shit but you can't say it", it's all good in the 'hood. Great.

Operation Too Many Cooks launched in England


"Okay, Jimmy - you take the very front, I'll hold the other grip here. Jan! Jan, could you, Lawrence and Angus take that one side and just stand a bit away and let Davy hold it? And Bob, you hold the other side...right! Like that, yes. Peter, George - is Frank alright with you boys standing in front of him? Okay. Margaret there, you hold their side please. Jeremy? Are you hanging onto the back, or pushing? Fantastic! Alright, everybody, start...wading!"


Fitness Haks Written By NonNative Content Scribes...

Here are some English-as-a-Second-Language Reporters, who offer advice on how to stay Fit!

On office brakes, don't be afraid to get up and move around your desk.

People will be very impressed in your fitness when you do this method!

They think you are quite the big man if you get up during brekka and perform these motions:

Instead of eating your lunch, why shift your entire desk's position in the office plan? Because moving your desk across the office will build muscle mass!


Stick to your Fitness Schedule
Write up your schedule, and stick it to the front of your shirt. If you're forgetful in looking down, stick it on the back of your shirt.

Then others will say "Hey Boss, what's that on the back of your shirt?"
Then you say "Oh yes, this is my schedule!" and peel it off the back of your shirt, and realize that you must presently run away for your schedule. Anyone who points out that you had something stuck on your back will be very impressed with this teknik.

More fitness haks soon.









Fascinating Facts from the World of Ancient History

Did you know?

The Jesus Christ known to the world today is very different to the man who lived towards the tail testament of the Bible. Here are some facts about Jesus whose birthday was celebrated yasterday! Yasterday indeed!

Jesus was born in a stable according to the Christians and in a cave according to the Muslims. But according to some secular historians - in keeping with the mystical and miraculous traditions of Catholicism - Jesus wasn't born at all.
 
According to the bastard Gospels, Jesus is said to have beaten an old friend into a coma for the coveting of his wife, Mary Magdalene. When Lazarus fell unconscious, Jesus then beat the old man back out of his coma, "in order to dole him a further smiting".

While Jesus regaled a small group of lawyers outside of the courthouse with the humble story of the Good Samaritan, three of his disciples - Matthew Levi, Judas Iscariot and Much the Miller's Son - went around the group picking pockets as the barristers listened, enraptured by the tale. If the rate of inflation is taken into consideration, the apostles made off with what would have been the equivalent at the time of a very large sum of money.

Jesus knocked sense into his wife the first time they met. When Mary was about to be stoned to death by a crowd for smuggling an early antecedent to the drug known as Meow Meow into the city of Jerusalem, Jesus interrupted the execution with the declaration: "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." He then hurled a rock at Mary Magdalene, hitting her on the head. One of the onlookers shouted: "Good man yourself Jesus!" and the crowd dispersed, leaving Jesus and Mary alone "with their eyes only for each other, Jesus's two, and Mary's one good eye left remaining to her after being besmirched in the skull", just like a scene in a romantic comedy. Mary's eye later healed once a bandage was applied by a Roman physician, Paracetomolensus Codensus.

When Jesus arrived at the city on a donkey, a protest by the Pharisees was taking place against the manner of his grand entrance. Jesus ordered his followers to gather palm leaves and to "swish the weapons in the rabbis' faces" as he passed by. In the ensuing Battle of Palms Vs Psalms, Jesus won.

Peter and his apostles were matched in ancient times by Paul and his epistles. If it weren't for the letter-writing campaign conducted by Paul, we wouldn't have what later became the long-running BBC television programme, Points of View.

Jesus was crucified under Roman obscenity laws, amongst the least stringent laws of their kind at any point in history. His wife, Myriamicus Magdalenicus (to give her the Latin name hundreds of centurions knew her by), was regarded as "the biggest whore in all of Christendom". Jesus referred to foreplay with his wife's breasts as "The suckling of the pimples on the mounds".

The day before Jesus went into the desert, his disciples celebrated, feasting decadently with non-kosher bacon and pancakes with syrup in a meal that sustained them for "three fortnights". Even today, the extravagant meal is still celebrated by Americans, every time they eat breakfast.

For some fascinating Star Wars facts, click here!

Review: JIHADI A Love Story by Yusuf Toropov



With a fantastic opening purportedly penned by a recently deceased narrator and edited via running commentary by a secondary narrator, JIHADI: A Love Story is written by Yusuf Toropov.

The emotional intelligence of the main protagonist and the story itself are high on the list of pluses at the outset. Although many expectations are confounded throughout the story, the expectation of more confusion, while reading the opening pages, does not bear out. So if you find yourself asking: “What’s this about?”, just power on through the opening five pages. The quality of the writing will draw you in at the outset. But the plot is riveting, and it all starts to become fairly clear fairly quickly.

It’s one of those novels that merits a second read not because of its difficulty, but because of the prose's beauty. In terms of plot, there is so much to it that there are things you may miss the first time out. Among much else, readers may find they are reading the novel for its story, and then reading again for style or in search of thematic resonances.

Speaking of which, the themes here are terrific too, addressing the issues that academics sit up and look for in a text: Unreliable narrators, Feminism and Misogyny, Islam, the Other, Terrorism, and perhaps even societal decay all feature quite prominently.

Intelligence agents play politics and jostle for one-upmanship. Corruption is rife in what we could regard as the most stiflingly conservative of religious environments – a country where atrocities have been perpertrated by the West, and where retribution is sought both from Americans and those of more rational mindsets than the extremists. Yet it's all relayed with a non-judgmental eye.

Although he has lived through much of the story, Theolonius Liddle narrates with a warm objectivity, the ironic, poetic detachment perhaps a means of distancing himself from the tragic events depicted. It’s typical of a Modernist novel in some respects, tearing on the existentialist heartstrings without being overtly sentimental or heavy-handed. The metanarrative elements, meanwhile, are straight out of a postmodern playbook.

It's a wonderfully poetic read. A novel for our times.

JIHADI is released on Christmas Eve by Orenda Books. You'll find Yusuf Toropov's blog here.

Please support my Happy-Slap A Child This Christmas campaign

Every year, the concept of Happy Slapping is growing more and more neglected. Some people are even saying it's as old as Santa's hat.

This year - before it's too late - why not call a child Mr. Toilet, give him a good happy slapping, and then run away?

Please support my Happy-Slap A Child This Christmas campaign.

Jose Mourinho's weakness revealed as he is sacked

Mourinho has paid the price for his arrogance, as has been discovered over the last two days as he had a dip in his psychological strength.

In a series of interviews as he departs Chelsea, he dropped his armour and the bombshell as it became apparent what actually drives him to success, and what his irrational fears are. Check out the quotes below:


"Iraqi Scud missiles from the Saddam regime are decommissioned," he said, as the mask fell away. "I am not decommissioned. There is the difference. I am ready to fight, and I have a lot of fight, and I play to win. Iraqi Scud missile attack fears notwithstanding. And who would be afraid? It is irrational because they are no longer a threat."

"I am statistically three times as long delivering the goals [this season]," he explained. "This is why I need to make my walk away from the dug-out into more open area where is less likely to be containment, but ironically more damage in the dug-out itself, from blast after Iraqi Scud missile attack, if the missile falls directly into the dugout from a pitchside angle."

"When in front of the goal, a striker must be critical. Like a critical warning prior to a Iraqi Scud missile attack."



"If Mr Abramovich sees us perform below level, is very tough for me and the players. When Mr Abramovich and the board see this same underperformance, is like a Scud missile attack on my brains. Of disappointment."

"In management, every experience is positive with the exception of the potential of an attack from a Iraqi Scud missile. But I still prefer the experience of winning without fear of Iraqi Scud missile attacks, than losing without fear of Iraqi Scud missile attack."

Happy Birthday Taylor Swift!

Look at you! Born yesterday back in the latest 80! Along with all the other Taylors: Lautner, Momsen, James...Taylor. And you named your latest album after it! Such talent and beauty!

Here in your honor are some late 80s-era terrible jokes:

1. Apartheid

2. Ewoks (That one is timeless.)

3. Kylie Minogue as a great singer. (She has since improved vocally.)

4. All these conspiracy theories and urban myths about viruses being created by a committee of scientists or shadowy world governments? Rubbish!
But mad cow disease was definitely caused by a meating of minds!
Science fact:
Back in the day, the cows were eating dead cows' brains in their mulch. If you eat human brains (or any brains, for that matter) it's a health risk you run, developing the human form of thingy. Bungee Spongee Encephaloppatty. Or CJD as it's known. Creuzfeld Yakking Disease. MOOOO!


5. Marty McFly walks into a bar. He moonwalks around, and causes a spitoon to fly into the air, covering Buford Tannen with its contents.

The punchline: One of the best scenes in Back to the Future 3, released next year! What a joke of an inferior movie compared to the two previous movies!

You're welcome! Happy Christmas, Taylor, you big sexy panties! And welcome back from outer space! 

Taylor

A chocolate maker for Christmas?

What to say to the child who asks for a chocolate maker for Christmas:

Explain about sustainability and how the cocoa farmers of Bolivia will be out of work if you have some kind of magic chocolate maker with an endless supply. 

Ask the child: 

"Do you think chocolate grows on trees? Well it does, actually. Have you ever heard of Fair Trade? Have you heard of social solidarity? No? With that level of ignorance, you'll be making chocolate well into your eighties, as the dessert cook at the European restaurant in Liaoning Province you'll be forced to work in, to send money home to your family!

"And what about Fat Marjorie, removing the damaged Strawberry Dreams from the Roses on the conveyor belt down at the Cadbury's factory? She wouldn't have anything to scoff if we make it all here ourselves."

Tell the child you don't like "the attitude". 

"Ambitions about chocolate making? Who are you? Willy Fricken Wonka? You remind me of the Johnny Depp one, the one who freaked you out. The wrong-side-of-creepy one. Not the Gene Wilder one. Why not? Because it's the way you were raised."

Then shut the child inside a wardrobe with a needle, a thread and some fabric. If there's any complaining, shout in at the child about the concept of Marxist alienation, and it's a hard-earned lesson that must be learned. The child can re-emerge to play videogames or watch Dora or Thomas or whoever it is once a t-shirt has been made.

Lidl launches Drugs Prevention Programme

Rumours are rife that German discount supermarket chain Lidl has started an instore drugs prevention programme across the island of Ireland. The pickled herring and ski-mask vendor has begun the process of rearranging the items in each store so that supermarkets have a unique layout.

Dishwasher tablets
The policy of "No two supermarkets will look the same" may seem like madness, but there's methadone to it.

Already, shoppers have remarked upon the more "higgledy-piggledy" arrangement of products instore.

These layout changes made by management at each outlet -- however -- prevent shoppers being unwittingly "wormholed" by vile drugged-up junky-monkey gangs yoked off their tits on bong hits.


Wormholing involves an aspiring grocery shopper being tranquilised in one store by the sick psycho-pranksters, before being taken to another store with the same
Flight suits and MIG fighter jets, both available at Lidl
layout, where they are given the impression - on first emerging from sleep - that they are at the same location as the one at which they were targeted.


Kites









Piano








The disgusting Breslin and freaky Vaikalas gangs - from areas near the Dundrum and Rathmines supermarkets respectively - are experts at the practice of wormholing. 

In the past, the pig-faced thugs would shoot darts into their victims while they shopped, transporting as many as three drugged individuals to a different store many miles away in the back of a van, before abandoning them there.

The victims would wake, believing themselves in the same Rathmines or Dundrum supermarket, but actually find themselves - jarringly - in a Balbriggan, Finglas, Santry, Drogheda, Navan or Greystones outlet. Ironically, the cruel practice has been aided by the Celtic-Tiger era motorways that now stretch the length and breadth of the country.




Phones
Previously, security guards at Lidl had been told to "exercise discretion" over the states of consciousness of any supermarket customers. Gangs could therefore wormhole Lidl shoppers with greater ease and less complaint than they could at other chains - many of which don't adhere to a uniform aisle layout, and employ staff that might question why somebody unconscious is being dragged around the store having a sleepy in-supermarket shop.



Swords

"Benedictine" ermine, bras and underwear accessories.


However, Lidl's drugs prevention policy will now make wormholing a far more difficult prospect for any gang.


As soon as a would-be shopper comes around from their wormholing, he or she will notice the stark difference between the stores, and raise the alarm.





If you've been affected by any of the issues raised in this piece, contact me and send me money today.

Don't feel bad if you don't win...

I've been sent details of a short story contest by the wonderful @LiteraryStriver and it got me thinking about not winning them.

It also got me thinking about what to send contests that exclude stories with profanity and gratuitous scenes, which is something I saw online at another competition source. "We don't want racism or blah blah." A short story doesn't make YOU racist or violent or profane. But they don't accept them?

It's dealer's choice, but unless the contest is aimed at children (either as readers or writers) I don't feel that any competition should include any censoring rules of this nature.

In fact, I strongly advise that you send any story contest with such a disbarment a package in the mail containing:



An acorn, buried in your own shit, with a little flag sticking out that reads "A Mighty Oak". Send them that. 

Is Taxi Driver a good movie? You don't have to LIKE it to see its depth, the nuances in character and portrayal. 

"Ooh, I don't like it." 
I don't like it either. But **** off.

A contest judge ought to be obliged to read an entry through. Sometimes they won't. Sometimes they won't open up the box because, you know, it smells like shit. They think they know what's in there.

They see typos and spelling errors in the first paragraph and they think you don't know what the hell you're doing. They don't appreciate that it's your narrator who's responsible, for example. Huck Finn wouldn't pass the literacy test.

Sometimes they'll open up your entry, see the shit and the flag, and throw it in the garbage.

Sometimes, they'll notice that the flag reads A Mighty Oak.

But even then, a contest judge should not shy away from putting on a pair of gloves and getting dirty hands sifting through that shit, time permitting.

The discovery of an acorn may result in the judge realising that you have something to say. It could be the contest that gives the most comprehensive reading of each entry is the one which declares you the winner, the one that finds the acorn in the roughage and other detritus you've included, for the sake of your art. So don't feel bad if you don't win in a contest.

It's great if you do win, of course. But broadly speaking, there just isn't a lot of shit that people like.

So in summation, please take note of any contests that are judged by a committee of Care Bears, and dig out that short story about kittens. And best of luck!

Are you a racist now, Father?

A few points struck me recently while having a chinwag with Sociology PhD candidate Yaqoub BouAynaya

(That links to his photography site - he's a snapper of some talent too. Multimedia makes up a portion of his thesis.)

More on this story later!
Yaqoub had spent some time in Japan and he made the point that he could almost as easily identify as Japanese as he does as an Irishman. I had read somewhere (uncorroborated) that the Japanese had made a big brouhaha over the introduction to their Diet of the first "Chinese" parliamentarian a couple of decades ago. It may have been mentioned in Will Ferguson's Hokkaido Highway Blues. (It's actually a very funny read as I look it up again, but I can't find the source and I'm not buying it again to find out.)

Whichever author made this claim suggested that the Japanese were racist. I want to add that the Chinese politician wasn't Chinese-born - he was half Chinese, or of Chinese heritage. But he had been born and raised in Japan.

Minister for Health Leo Varadkar
We're not that bad. We don't make a big deal about the recently-uncloseted Minister for Health being half-Indian. We couldn't care less where gay politician Leo Varadkar comes from, as long as he does a good job at the health department.

He'd like you to know that he's doing a good job. As Social Democrats candidate and local councillor Cian O'Callaghan pointed out eight months back, the Department of Health doubled the expenditure on public relations to €1.5 million while frontline services continue to be curtailed. If you're hearing any good news from the Department of Health these days - despite the hospital trolleys and waiting lists - it's probably thanks to that big PR drive!
Whatever way you want to spin things, a few of the doctors and nurses Leo himself is clamouring for could be brought in using this €700 or 800 grand PR increase in order to actually improve things, rather than give the appearance of a well-run healthcare system.

Arguments for US gun control on the social media

Just a few points I made on social media about gun control I'd like to share. I will share more later. Many thanks to Maryland-based Frank Maguire, author of Lashback and various other publications, for inspiring the discussion, and to those who contributed.

On the issue of kids being raised as killing spree punks, and the availability of guns...

Family break-up is a Western problem as much as an American one. Children aren't being raised the way they used to be. I'd suggest that they're given the freedom to express their views, which can lead to critical thinking or turn them into punks. I believe the previous generations' education far better than mine. Standards are slipping with each generation in many respects, and kids can speak out in class in ways that would've got me into detention as a kid, and the previous generations caned, or whatever else. But the old ways included more kids with learning difficulties being overlooked or left behind. The old ways included abuse.


It goes without saying that a criminal accesses handguns more easily in Ireland than I could. There are gangland shootings here and in the UK every week. 

We read in the news about people getting shot in Ireland all the time. Broadly speaking, the general public does not have guns here. I am sure we have our fair share of teenaged lone wolves who struggle to meet girls, and disgruntled postal workers who've been made redundant. There was a poor young man here who killed two of his younger brothers recently, and an inquiry of some kind into it. The kid had schizophrenia and he was adopted; his brothers weren't adopted. I don't know what was going through his mind. But he didn't have the option of going into a shop and stocking up on armaments, or even reaching into a parent's bedroom safe. 

Why not take away the guns from EVERYONE, and start now, through harsh punishments for those found with guns, or those who use guns? A firearms offense carries less leniency in the Irish courts than an assault with a stick or a knife. You punch a guy and break his arm, you're likely to walk. You SHOOT a guy in the arm, and he gets a flesh wound, that's jail time.


You have the same or similar family and education issues in all of the Anglophone territories today. Canada, the British Isles, Australia, New Zealand. There are punks everywhere! But there aren't guns everywhere. And it's the country with the most guns that has the most gun crime.

Good education rather than gun control?

Like alcohol and weed and chocolate, you can't abuse something if it's not in the house. Speaking of chocolate, the Swiss are among the most armed nations in the world. Yet they're not the society of wackjobs that the rest of us seem to be. We need to figure out why, but a far quicker solution is to take away guns. There are problems with our culture(s) that we're all figuring out, and a lack of gun control does not help. How long will it take to adopt the Swiss model, or the Swedish model or whatever model, when it comes to education and respect and parenting, if that starts tomorrow? And how many more decades will we continue to have people with this sense of entitlement who think they can turn up at school and shoot up the classrooms? One decade? Half a decade?

If good education and parenting started tomorrow across the board, you'd still have as many guns, and the kids might be more responsible three or five years from now. But that's long term. The underpaid, under-resourced, fully-armed teachers would do their best to employ new education techniques, and parents might start raising great kids through community initiatives. But what about the punks who've already left school, already forgotten by the system? The disgruntled employee? The spurned lover? The diaper-wearing astronaut? The radical fundamentalist? The child who thinks it's a toy? They can still get the guns. If you start taking the GUNS away tomorrow, there'll be far fewer accidents and incidents.