How to write Fantasy Check List

Here is a 

How to Write Fantasy Novel


1. Writing fantasy-genre sentences takes a lot more work than writing normal sentences.

"If thou h'ain't put in the work, then don't deign to twerk!"
-Duchess Miley of the Mulletted Four Bears

2. A character can be named many, many times, and any confusion is the reader's fault. Trolls will know a character by one name, dwarves by a different name. Remember nobody is all things to all men. So King Kalsius may be known to the pixies as Clumsy Clodhopper The Man with the Heavy Feet, because of his heavy, metal armor boots.

As in:
"Hello, Clumsy Clodhopper!" squeaked Mr Babbles.
"Shuddup already! I'm a king and I'm trying to impress my mistress here!"

3. Make sure that you have guilds, masters and apprentices, and characters that have occupations in keeping with these guilds and apprenticeships. Master builders need their masonry apprentices, and their sculpture apprentices, and these apprentices require backgrounds that make for good dramatic irony!

When your apprentice was a child, he killed a goose so that his destitute family would not go hungry. But he believed the goose was a swan. He went on the run, fearful that the swan was royal property. There is dramatic irony in the reader knowing that he killed a goose rather than a swan, and that he has lived a life on the run for no good reason. But how he came to become an expert stone whittler? 

                                                                                       That's up to you!

4. In fantasy writing, you can never have too many seamstresses in a scene. If you are confused about writing a scene in the fantasy genre, ask yourself one question: "Could this scene do with another seamstress?" The answer is invariably Yes. Turn as many of your monsters into seamstresses as possible. Nothing says more in terms of depth of character, than a double-jobbing monster, living in her cave, as a seamstress.

5. Make your emotions real, but make sure the story moves forward if you supply a map, with a lot of sprinting over land.

Some of the most emotionally-riveting scenes in Lord of the Rings involve Shelob the dirty big spider, Orcs, Samwise and Frodo. But there's a map, and those little hobbits are stuck at one spot on that map for all of that emotional trauma! This is very frustrating for those fan-boys who love their cartography but don't appreciate good writing!

If you supply a map, make sure your heroes and all of your characters are running at full tilt, all of the time, whether being general-anesthetized by spiders, captured by orcs, visiting a tavern for a dram of mead, or undergoing other emotionally-exciting or conversational stuff. The orcs can carry your heroes for extended periods on a litter or a stretcher, sprinting along.

And don't forget any inn-keeper's tavern will be more than capable of flight if he's got any magical skill at all. Remember too that calling an innkeeper "crafty" says more about the range of beers he stocks than about his personality.

6. And now, a Grammar Tip with hashtags: 
Eats Shoots and Leaves: A real forest is full of LEAVES, but a #fantasy forest is full of LEAFS. #amwritingfantasy

Let's get that fantasy novel written! Good luck! And God's peed...all over the floor. How you gonna get that immaterial wee out of the carpet? Use your imagination! It's entirely up to YOU!

What do you do with a Gifted Child? (PART TWO)


After a cab ride from Poighte Regional, we got home. Across the intersection from our house is a Homestore-24. Little Seevers emerged from the cab and snapped out of his catatonia. He didn't want to go home. He ran across the street - two cars collided to avoid the little guy, the afternoon sunlight bouncing off the tips of his Baby Jordan laces - and I had to give chase, waving my apologies to the married couple and the family of four in their cars, more interested in checking themselves for injuries than looking to see where Seevers was going. I caught him and he bit me and kicked me. I had to let him go.

Our luggage was still on the sidewalk across the street, so I let him run into the safe environment of Homestore-24, and I sat at the kerbside, watching the suitcases. I phoned his father - he is actually my wife's husband - and I told him to come and help with Little Seevers. I checked my email, correcting essay papers and annotating a peer review while I waited for Seevers to emerge.

Ten minutes later, Seevers sprinted from the Homestore-24 with an ax in hand. A checkout clerk followed him out and Little Seevers swung the ax twice in two big whumps, disabling the man in both legs.

Seevers looked at the ax, and looked at the man on the ground, bleeding out from the kneecaps. Then he looked over at a sycamore along our tree-lined avenue. His eyes sparkled. He'd figured out how to use the ax. He charged at the tree and started chopping.

A crowd gathered. Oh good, I thought. It takes a village to raise a child.

I was going to ask one of the people staring at Seevers to go and fetch my luggage across the street. But some of the onlookers were pulling out their phones, looking at me in disgust.

"I've already called my baby's father," I explained."My baby daddy?"

The police arrived. By this time, Seevers had built up a bonfire and distributed it with a mathematical evenness under a number of parked cars, lighting the wood with gas fluid and matches he had retrieved from the store.

He had also managed to lob his sneakers into the middle of the intersection: Even at three years of age, he was a very gifted tosser. But he was even faster in his bare feet, in his gifted way. It took five police officers and three Tazers to bring him down.

A policeman came up to me and asked me what I was doing as he instructed me to stand up while he readied his handcuffs.

"This is perfectly normal because my child is an autist savant. Autistic," I explained slowly in a non-academic drawl I had learned on the local club scene, as a car exploded. "Do you understand? It's my truth! And Little Seevers's father is on the way. Anyway, I'll take him home to bed now that he's unconscious."

"Ohhhh! Autistic!" the officer nodded. "My nephew does stuff like this all the time!"

We fistbumped.

"But you know, you should really be better able to take care of your child," the policeman said, judgementally.

"But you're not going to arrest me," I explained to the officer, getting out my Twitter.

"Of course not!"

The five policemen departed.

Then my wife's husband arrived, and carried Little Seevers home while I brought in the luggage.

So I was almost arrested because of my gifted little boy! I guess the message here is if you feel the need to intervene when a child is screaming, just let the child scream it out, whether you're in the shopping mall, or even at the tennis court! If you want to get involved, do so without judgement because you don't have all the facts! It's a challenge to every decent human being's soul. Just remember to bring down your Rawlsian curtain of ignorance over any such incident, just as I bring down the curtain now, on my #wunnerful #personalessay.

What do you do with a Gifted Child? (PART ONE)

__________________ONLINE MAGAZINE

By Melissa Hartley-Smythe

Moms get a bad rap. Whether they're leaving their kids in the car for a job interview, or leaving their kids at the kindergarten to get a facial, it doesn't matter: There will always be someone to judge mothers, always with the handcuffs, and the arrests.

My little guy Seevers (3) is autistic. We were on a flight home to Poighte (pron. Puffty), New Hampshire from a two-week visit at my parents' in Yubbadoo Creek, Montana.

I was already very highly-strung and feeling quite writerly, and emotionally intelligent, because little Seevers was making clear to me that he did not want to get on any damn airplane. He screamed at the Southwest Airlines check-in staff so loud that two desk employees required ear napkins to wipe the blood off. Then, after the manager came over, I had to tweet about the fact that they were not going to let Seevers board before we were finally let on the plane.

When we were seated on the plane, it became clear to me - despite my protests - that I would be five rows back from my son. This meant that if Seevers needed to bite somebody, he would be biting a total stranger. The man in the seat next to Seevers was reading on an iPad.

"Whasss...tat?" Seevers said, as he reached over and touchtyped the iPad at speed with both sets of fingers, shutting down five apps so quickly with his prematurely-gifted hand-eye coordination that the man lost two weeks' worth of work.

I want to stress that I'm not a bad person. Just a few weeks ago, I went on a date with an N-word. When I say N-word, I don't mean African-American, just to be clear. I mean a full-on N-word. From Rhodesia! You can read about it in my next column: "I slept with a 14-year-old: How come these black kids look so old?"

Anyway, I found my frustration building as the man looked at Seevers and said:

"This is an iPad."

"I know," said Seevers. "See how I accessed your switcher dock and killed all your processes?" His little eyes sparkled at the wonder of the technology.

"That wasn't very nice," the man said, and I could feel my eyes burning with hatred for his condescension. "Do you want to fix it for me?"

No, said Little Seevers, but just in his mind, and he stared out the window and went into his "cutester catatonia".

Read Part Two here.

New to me...

So I've seen people post articles to their newsfeed and write "With So-and-So", linking to a lookalike's profile. For instance, "Nurse who beat up old people flees court" - and the picture looks like someone you know, so you post the article with the pic of the mean, ugly nurse and it says "Nurse who beat up old people flees court" with Melissa Bloggs - and Melissa's profile is linked, and you can see the ugly nurse does look unflatteringly like Melissa.

When the newsfeed from a national newspaper gets in on the act, it's a concern. Sure enough, the two people linked to the article look a little bit and NOTHING like the two people in the photo respectively. But let's make this a meme. Let's encourage our media outlets to do this all the time, for every article that is posted. Some people might say it's mean - but the horse has clearly already bolted. It'd be mean not to!

Dear Facebook...

Dearest Facebook:

Contacts in my email account that is not connected with Facebook have now been added to my list of People You May Know.

Can you please explain to me how that happened? What third party app or site did I sign up to, so that this could actually take place? Now my whole system is messed up, Facebook. Those email accounts and everything associated with them were supposed to be separate.

If the hitman I hired to kill my wife finds out that I am having an affair with his son, he will probably kill me before he kills her. Facebook, I need that insurance money and I want to live an authentic life! Stop ruining it for people.

Your etc,

Mr. Et Cetera.

Top ten listicle article: What it do, Sarah Palin? What? It? Do?

So Sarah Palin has asked the Republicans to impeach Obama over his immigration policy, coz he's allowing illegals to cross the border. This, apparently, gives Republican candidates a choice:

1. Oppose impeachment, and risk the wrath of the far right of the GOP.
2. Be hemmin' and a hawin' and a bippin' and a boppin' over impeachment when asked about it.
3. Support impeachment and annoy the larger GOP.

There is a FOURTH way. Any or all of the following can be included in the fourth way.

(a) Ignore a private citizen who governed 700,000 people for half a term.

(b) Show Sarah Palin two photos, one of PSY, and one of Kim Jong Un. Ask her which of them is the North Korean dictator, and which of them is the South Korean rapper. Then hold her eye and ask: "Aren't they - in fact - the same thing?"

It is the SAME! PERSON!
(c) Continue this line of questioning on foreign policy. Ask her "Which of these would you regard as a friend? From the North or the South...or the North? Is it...what?" Look at her quickly. Then ask:

" Which is correct: 'Is Iran our allies?', or 'Are Iran our ally?' "

Pronounce the terrorist organisation ISIS like iz-iz, before saying "Is ISIS causing friction, or closer contact, between Iran and the United States?" (Then, while she is waiting for extra words, run away.)

9d0 Ask her if she can use the shift key to create brackets, coz you're finding it a struggle.

(e) Any Republican delegate or representative of any kind might run into Sarah Palin. They should shout the word "SQUIRMISH!" as soon as she is in earshot, and hit the deck.

(f) Ask her if she has any items of furniture in her home that she could class as "non-food items".

(g) Point out that she was in charge of a region with a population of fewer than 800,000 people, for less than three years, that some argue that she didn't do a great job, that her advisers when she was running for VP were shocked at how shallow her knowledge was, and that she is a bulldog with lipstick on.