Francois Hollande goes out to dinner five times in Paris yesterday

French President Francois Hollande met theatre actress Zasi Bonheure, 27, for a light early-bird meal at three pm yesterday in a cafe on the banks of the Seine. The French actress enjoyed a salad with the head of state, who picked at a minibaguette - also called a breadstick, and a pickle from her dish as she begged him to take their relationship more seriously. They also discussed the pending 70th anniversary celebrations of D-Day, and the rave reviews Mlle Bonheure is currently earning for her theatre role in a version of Sartre's La Putain respecteuse.

The French head of state - known in France as "France wa Zullund" - because that's how they pronounce his name - then went on to meet Russian president Vladimir Putin at the Champs Elysee. Mr. Putin - himself en France to attend the D-Day celebrations - echoed the delight of Mr. Stalin at the time, in 1944, who had been clamouring for another front to open up in the war against Mr. Hitler since 1940.

"Why is the West always fearful of the attacking?" he asked the press in attendance, winking.

Monsieur Hollande then pulled up on his motorbike an hour later, to meet Cecile Etienne, 43, businesswoman, for a coffee and a savoury crepe, from a street vendor near a fountain. Amongst the talk as they sat at the fountain, M Hollande was asked by Cecile why he wasn't taking their relationship more seriously. They then both departed on the same motorbike.

Mr. Obama and US Secretary of State John Kerry were next on M. Ullund's itinerary. At the one-Michelin star restaurant, they shared a weathered frappuccino grouse strimmings sculpture with prune accoutrements, drenched in gooseberry fat and the shattered hull of a philandered, blue duck egg from a traumatised fowl, whipped to a micrometre, and a block of slightly transmogrified apple custard sauce (la creme anglaise de pomme) held in suspended animation in a fiber-optic kiln for three days until it was "pre-fraiche".

Finally, at 11pm, Francois enjoyed a late supper with his favorite burlesque artist, Mrs. Stabbi Gash, 36, where he joked - in a kind of French sigh - that politics is a balancing act, and that he has fallen on his sword more times in his career than she has - in her act, which involves swords. He then raised his eyebrows and said: "Je rigole!" and she laughed. She didn't care about whether he was taking their relationship seriously last night, because he went home with her after 1am.

Mrs. Stabbi Gash's visually "incroyable" show can be seen in the Caviarrrr Buh-Luh-Guh club in the cinqieme arrondissement of Paris till next Tuesday.