LUIS SUAREZ TO BE FED TODAY

Reports suggest that Liverpool striker Luis Suarez was underfed by Liverpool dieticians during the entire Premiership season. Nutrition experts in the UK are still uncertain as to how much food certain international players ought to eat, based on their BMI and childhood diets; Suarez is among this fraction of undernourished players playing at the top level. The problem arises because obesity in the West has yet to take hold in regions such as South America, Africa, and parts of Asia. It is a source of contention at the Kop, as Argentina's Javier Mascherano departed for Barcelona last season, where he was told he could eat whatever he wanted. The formerly starving former Liverpool player went on to win the Champion's League with his new Spanish Catalan club.

During the Uruguay World Cup campaign, Mr Suarez has been biting unusual things such as his hotel headboard, extra small, already morsel-sized bananas, and the tongues of Uruguay colleagues Diego Godin and Alvaro Pereira. The tongues had been pulled from their football boots and consumed by Suarez while they slept. Suarez then went on to bite the players' tongues while they slept. They were alerted to their missing tongues the following morning. Both men are speechless.

Suarez was spotted trying to eat a goalpost at pre-World Cup practice. Some of his opponents have claimed to have been bitten by Mr Suarez during match play. In an effort to prevent further occurrences of nibbling, Suarez has worked tirelessly during the campaign with FIFA, insisting that he be sent home before he really does bite someone. An ongoing project has been drawn up, with the blessings of the Italian team, in order that "pretend biting" incidents be played out "for real". The Italians have consulted Mister Silvio Berlusconi on the best methods to fake violent incidents. Mr. Berlusconi, 93, pretended he had been assaulted by a Milanese statuatiniwini ("little statue") thrower in 2009. Mr. Suarez is to be sent home to Montevideo today for some much required food.