Irish Wit

Instances of Irish Wit and Humo(u)r

Hmmm. Okay. This stuff has actually happened.



*

Walking past government buildings in Dublin at about 11 pm, after a few pints on a Friday night, I spat on the pavement, being - at that point - quite the drunken slob.

A uniformed cop was coming towards me. Our eyes met. He nodded a hello.

"Is it illegal to spit, Guard?" I asked him then as he passed.
He turned back and said:
"Sorry?"
I said:
"Is it actually - just out of interest now - " I slurred, "Is it actually illegal to spit?"
"Well," he said, in his thick, lilting country accent, as he paused and considered the question. "It depends on what you're spitting at."

*
Conversation between two work colleagues, one of them talking about his over-reliance on something.
"It's time to sever the unbiblical cord."
"The what?"
"The unbiblical cord."
"Unbiblical? It's the umbilical cord. Umbilical." [SHAKES HEAD AND LAUGHS.]
"I always thought it was 'unbiblical'."
A third work colleague:
"Well, it's only unbiblical if it's a crisis pregnancy."

*
Supermarket checkout, customer buying black bin liners.
Customer: "I don't need the receipt. I mean, they're not gonna go off, are they?"
Shop assistant: "Well...what do you intend to put in them?"

*


Anyone else have any instances of Irish humour?