Irish Wit

Instances of Irish Wit and Humo(u)r

Hmmm. Okay. This stuff has actually happened.


Walking past government buildings in Dublin at about 11 pm, after a few pints on a Friday night, I spat on the pavement, being - at that point - quite the drunken slob.

A uniformed cop was coming towards me. Our eyes met. He nodded a hello.

"Is it illegal to spit, Guard?" I asked him then as he passed.
He turned back and said:
I said:
"Is it actually - just out of interest now - " I slurred, "Is it actually illegal to spit?"
"Well," he said, in his thick, lilting country accent, as he paused and considered the question. "It depends on what you're spitting at."

Conversation between two work colleagues, one of them talking about his over-reliance on something.
"It's time to sever the unbiblical cord."
"The what?"
"The unbiblical cord."
"Unbiblical? It's the umbilical cord. Umbilical." [SHAKES HEAD AND LAUGHS.]
"I always thought it was 'unbiblical'."
A third work colleague:
"Well, it's only unbiblical if it's a crisis pregnancy."

Supermarket checkout, customer buying black bin liners.
Customer: "I don't need the receipt. I mean, they're not gonna go off, are they?"
Shop assistant: "Well...what do you intend to put in them?"


Anyone else have any instances of Irish humour?