8 Top Ways To Be Really Cooool

1. Refer to any significant natural disaster as a "massive political sex scandal".

2. Tell people that you've got to go to the toilet. Then wait. When they ask why you haven't gone to the toilet, say "Oh, yeah. I  forgot." Tell them "Thanks for the reminder". Then, set the alarm on your phone.

3. More bathroom coolness points can be earned by men as follows: If you're a man, tell any woman that you're introduced to that they have a stark choice. "Toilet seat up and clean, or toilet seat down and covered in whizz. And when I say whizz, I'm not talking about cocaine [WINK]. You know what I'm talking about [WINK]."

4. Ask a chef what the difference is between an Irish stew, and a Scotch broth. Then insist that it's the exact same as the difference between Irish whiskey and Scotch whisky.

5. Sit down on the street and pull off your shoe and then your sock, and start picking your teeth with your sock, as if you're flossing. Reach out and touch any passers-by who get too close on the back of their knees. If they turn around, shout: "I'm flossing here! Do you mind?"

6. Use any opportunity that presents itself to talk about facial treatments. Then, instead of saying the word "micro-dermabrasion", say "micro-debraversion".

7. Ask a pimp or brothel madam if he or she can source you a "low budget winter ski break". When they say No, tell them that you don't care about the season, and that you'll settle for a summer break "but I won't haggle any further than that."

8. Pronounce the word crustaceans "custraceans", and then add the word: "Micro-debraversion" on the end.