Tom Cruise

Who could best be described as the Afrikaans equivalent of Tom Cruise?
Tom Kroos!

But let's stop kidding around here, folks: Would you like to eat a little bit of Tom Cruise?
Courtesy Gage Skidmore
So would I! If everyone who wants to eat a little bit of Tom Cruise got together, we could make it happen!

Here's how it works: They KILLED A GIRAFFE in DENMARK using the EXACT SAME METHOD! And they fed the big giraffe to the LIONS at Copenhagen Zoo.

It's the EXACT SAME SYSTEM, EXCEPT TOM CRUISE IS THE GIRAFFE, AND WE'RE THE LIONS!!! RARRGGHHH!

Marius the Giraffe isn't alone - every year, thousands of healthy animals are put to death in Europe's zoos because they require more genetic variance than the British Royal Family!

Hence the recent Facebook protest, where everyone had a giraffe pic - AS A REMINDER, LEST WE FORGET!

MARIUS R.I.P.

[MARIUS PHOTO WITHHELD BY ZOO.]

If we can lure Tom Cruise to Denmark under the pretense of promoting a movie, and put him to sleep according to the rules and regulations of the European Association of Zoos and Aquaria, then it's dinner time!

Special Note: As humans, we don't have to argue that Tom Cruise is too genetically homogeneous. All we have to do is to argue that as a Scientologist, Mr. Cruise is halal, kosher, and darn-tootin' tasty!

Send $1 now* to assist in the Fund for Tom Cruise Meat Conversion today.

*If enough money is raised in this appeal, any further contributions will go towards the costs of any civil or criminal litigation that results in Tom's death and GOOD EATIN'!