12 Wonderful Events of 2013

Twelve months, and just 12 of the wonderful things that happened this year!

1. A golden eagle in Indiana breastfed a little baby lamb abandoned by its mother in January.

2. A dog licked a young man's naked butt as he leaned out of his bedroom window to have a cigarette in February, giving him such a fright that he fell out of the window entirely. His death generated plenty of laughs and good cheer!

3. In March, a man gave a waitress a tip. He wrote on a receipt: "Your lifestyle choice offends me. I pray that the Good Lord changes you sexually!" Some tip! So the people on the social media let the dog from the February video get at him. It changed HIM sexually.

4. A 10,000 year old pickle - discovered in a goatskin and clay cask of vinegar in Iran - was consumed by former Iranian president Machhhmoood Armoured-Dinnerjacket, while athletic Harvard lecturer and occasional Arizona rancher Professor Austin Seattle stood watching, at gunpoint, in April.

Thankfully, the expected world domination that the pickle was said to imbue in its eater never took place, the Iranian leader spent the next two days confined to a nearby bathroom, with a sink in close proximity to the toilet, and - even worse - he subsequently lost a general election in August, bringing in a more communicative president, Wayne Rooney.

5. In May, footage emerged from the vaults of a Czech television station showing Adolf Hitler playing what appeared to be a Nintendo Wii. While the footage has yet to be authenticated, Nintendo (est. in 1889) now admits that the prototype console was sent to the Fuhrer as a gift, and that the Japanese games manufacturer has been "sitting on the technology" since at least 1927.

7. June saw the first "switching of the sixes and the sevens". The move is hoped to reduce the world population by at least one billion, as the global population reached seven billion in 2011.

6. In July, the first firebombing of a bamboo forest full of giant pandas took place in western China, wiping out sixty percent of the planet's giant panda population - a total of seven animals - as the World Wrestling Federation started its search for a "replacement symbol". The giant panda (Ursapanda Pronetomaulye) is now regarded as "on the way out". Too much funding has gone towards breeding the deceptively cute but prone-to-maul-ya creatures, which have only one food staple, and seem to avoid anything that will result in its population re-establishing itself.

However, the move is seen as premature by some: Last year an experiment-fond janitor at the Bronx Zoo discovered that panda breeding in captivity was made easier, through allowing the scent of the female panda to be inhaled and exhaled by a mature Yangtze river dolphin, and then exposed to the male panda, as he is suspended above the freshwater mammal's blowhole.

The shortlist for the new animal representative for the wrestling association includes the black & decker toothless frog, the snakeskinned antelope, the thylacine (or Tasmanian tiger), the Yangtze river dolphin, and Edward, the last surviving farting skunk mimic.

8. Mathematics made its first major accidental breakthrough in August for more than 200 years, when the entire month of August - represented by the symbol "8" - fell over on a number of computer systems, and was converted to Infinity.

The result was a very, very extended summer for some, with holiday makers around the planet still stranded at their vacation spots today. Once 2014 begins, it is hoped that the systems will revert to normal, and these over-tanned tourists can get home.

9. The good news story of September involved the loss of a job for exotic animal lover Drucker Hardy. When his Goliath spider Tiny was made aware that they would be moving out of the house Drucker was living in, due to non-payment on the mortgage when he lost his job as an arachnophobe at the local theme park fun house, the spider started work as a male hand-model, picking up his first gig almost immediately for the back-to-school season. Drucker and Tiny got to keep the home, and Drucker has since become Tiny's manager full time.
10. 94-year-old Pastor Scooter Nichols predicted that the world would end for Halloween. Despite an upsurge in vampires, zombies and Obamacare, the suspected end of days didn't materialise.

11. Syria's government forces were persuaded by the international community to give up their chemical weapons, resulting in overt celebrations by the country's dissident groups. The street revelers were subsequently bombed by the Syrian government's artillery, using weapons to which the international community had given their seal of approval.

12. A Navy SEAL won a purple heart in the mountains of Pakistan, laying down cover fire as he returned to a minefield a total of seven times to rescue eight injured comrades, before airlifting them out of the region. The soldier maimed fourteen insurgents, refusing to inflict mortal wounds on two of them when he had the chance. On the helicopter journey back to base, his commanding officer - one of the wounded whom he had rescued - demanded to know why he "had not made any kills". On the removal of his mask, the hero soldier revealed himself to be Pope Francis, before he threw himself out the chopper door into the canopy of a forest below.