New legislation pertaining to women's health is to be debated shortly in the Irish houses of parliament. The new regulations, which have been drawn up by An Taoiseach Inda Kinny and the novelist Alan Shatter, are designed to prevent women from harming themselves, while being promoted by the leading party in government as an explicit articulation of its policy.
Although civil legislation in Ireland had considered the behaviour of many women to be a health risk, it is hoped that introducing the new laws will cover all eventualities, although Justice Minister Shatter is sensitive about speaking about women with a lack of chauvinism.
"I do have to be very careful," said Mr. Shatter. "We have an insight into the mindset of these people, on how what's occurred has affected every individual in the country, and the country's finances. They had no particular insight into how their behaviour would affect the country as a whole. Huge volumes of material - a lot of which the Gardai were unable to access - is now being reviewed."
At the behest of Health Minister James Reilly GPTD, the justice minister has been asked to incorporate the phrase "backwards dancing to Shakira in Coppers" onto the statute books, in order to deal with what he hopes are all possible outcomes with respect to the liabilities of night club managers.
Health Minister James Reilly TD MD has pointed out that neuro-imaging studies of the
brain have shown that if music is played - and we are somehow prevented
from dancing - the brain's network of neurons fires up with "terpsichorean ideation".
"Once the dinner is over and the other women are at you to get up and hit the floor - for want of a better metaphor - and Shakira comes on - then your hips really don't lie," Minister Reilly MTV insisted. "If we don't allow for the fact that terpsichorean ideation in women could be problematical - and so on and so forth and what have you - then they ought to be allowed to dance."
Dancing backwards to Shakira songs in Copper-Faced Jacks has been of immense concern to both Justice Minister Shatter and to James Reilly Tempty DeeTee for more than five years.
An accident on the dance floor of Coppers - which led to a broken arm - appears to be the bone of contention - or more specifically, the ulna.
On a visit to the United States over a year ago, President Obama attempted to show Taoiseach Inda Kinny how to dance to Shakira, as the US president had been fully apprised of the Irish legislative quagmire. Kinny returned to Dublin, furious with the Irish people for disgracing themselves yet again.
He insisted that the entire cabinet learn how to dance to Shakira. However, junior minister Lucinda Creighton has voiced objections, noting that Shakira dancing is difficult in heels.
A total backwards dancing ban was initially mooted by the previous government's transport minister, Noel Dempsey - but his legislation pertained specifically to roller blades.
Former Minister Dempsey - who is now gainfully employed as a Neil Jordan lookalike, while he attends a treatment facility for his cocaine addiction - had failed to introduce a total ban on backwards rollerblade dancing to Shakira, in part because although he was the minister in charge of rollerblades, dancing extended beyond his transport portfolio, or the "TransPortfolio". The suggested legislation from the Department of Transport had come under intense public scrutiny, with the Union of Rollerbladists demanding a meeting with Taoiseach Bertie Ahern, asking to see the semistate accounts that dealt specifically with rollerblades, rollerskates and skateboards.
Dempsey has been called back to government buildings to advise a Dail committee on what is hoped will be the more creative and comprehensive set of workaround backwards dancing regulations. However, Irish citizens and residents are still optimistic that in the future, they will not have to emigrate in order to backwards dance to Shakira.