Christmas Tips

[TO BE PUBLISHED BEFORE THE SOLSTICE.]

With Christmas just around the corner, here are some Christmas tips!



PRE-CHRISTMAS CARVINGS FOR 100+ GUESTS


With the relatives coming around, why not carve up the turkey BEFORE everyone gets there? If there's lots of relatives, there won't be a major turkey carving ceremony anyway - all the hassle of getting everyone into the dining room to watch the carving is more than just a little bit megalomaniacal! So why not chop up the turkey BEFORE?



Remember to constantly hold the turkey by the neck when you're bringing him home from the Turkey Dispensary. If you don't hold him right, by the time you've got him home, he always sticks his head in so you won't be able to hack it off. (See picture above.)

If he's flapping around on your lap, visibility through your windshield might be an issue. Simply roll down the window and hold him outside the car while you drive. He can flap all he likes when he's outside, ladies!

After you've butchered, feathered and carved the turkey, you can simply mock up four or more chickens to look like turkeys, and do the carving ceremony four times - with as many as TWENTY FIVE people* in the room at a time - so that everybody can experience that magical turkey carving.



* Many psychologists agree that 25 guests is an accurate number when asked if it is a quarter of 100 guests.

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A SEXY CHRISTMAS IS A HAPPY CHRISTMAS


Convince your partner that the lint in your belly button is actually mistletoe! If they're not convinced, put some sprigs of holly in there to enhance the effect. That means good times throughout the entire Happy Holidays!

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DRINKING AND DRIVING IS A FOOL'S GAME




If you don't want to drink and drive over Christmas, just don't celebrate Christmas. There are plenty of cultures that don't recognise the Christmas season and it never did them any harm! Then, you can drink and drive all you want - and nobody will ever know! If you are drinking and you want to stay sober, drink Irish Coffees. The whiskey and the coffee cancel each other out, leaving you in a normal condition and in complete alcohol-caffeine balance. Don't forget your pills and plasters to keep yourself clear-headed!