The Best Night Clubs on the Planet

Muahahhaha's, Aggaggadaggistok, Aggaggadaggistan

This wonderful club in a former Soviet enclave tucked away in the Cluster of Autonomies provides some free, fermented goat milk alongside the cover charge. You'll find it in an alleyway after a walk through what the hotel receptionist described as the "Nero, manky white streets" in this lovely, centrally located town. The town's streets, first built in Roman times, are narrow - but wide enough to allow the passage of the messenger monkeys that travel from house to house.

The record collection is broad enough to include both throat singing and instrumentals that are - unfortunately - usually performed by academics eager to keep the traditions alive. However, if you ask to look at the collection, you might be lucky to find some authentic tumbyra or kobyz stylists who don't moonlight as professors in Dubrovnik!

You can pick and mix your drinks from a choice of four. Infinite diversity in the limited combinations! Eats are also available. They also claim to have an oven in the kitchen "for the Jews". This Jewish oven makes kosher food.

They need to sell hot food in order to retain their late licence at this club, so I was told that "technically, you've eaten here". This led to some confusion, as I insisted that I had eaten back at the hotel. I was then shown a thing called a spherran by the barman, and he told me that it is a kind of weapon, but that the spherran he had was non-functional. Then I was asked again whether I had eaten in the club. Shaking my head, I was escorted through the bar and out the back door.

The spherran still seemed quite functional and effective - even though the barman had claimed that it was broken. It seemed to launch very well, and the barbs latched onto my skin with accuracy. My shirt was covered in blood when I was finally free of the monofilaments, and I crawled away. After getting stitched up by the local doctor - who charged me $US 200.00 to rub some pig innards into the tears in my back flesh - I was off on the road and out of the picturesque dictatorial principality, for septicemia treatment in Montenegro.

This club is excellent if you want a quiet night with background music and the option to dance - without any wi-fi. And it'll make all the difference in the world to your life if you try the food.

More night clubs later!