North Korean assassination succeeds

It is believed that North Korean rulers in Pyongyang have successfully carried out their first targeted "thermo-nuclear stroke" on a high profile international figure.

North Korean leader, Kim Ju On: The Grudge 2, announced the pending demise of former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher at least 30 minutes before her death at the Ritz Hotel in London today, succeeding where the IRA failed in the 1980s.

In a speech, Leader Kim indicated that the attack would go unnoticed in the wider world due to the eccentricities of his foreign policy:

"This is a nice surprise to announce the death of Margaret Thatcher. Today, when I heard of her death later, they will know the true power of heat stroke nuclear technology imbued in North Korea people," he declared in a statement read by a newsreader.

One of the Ritz Hotel's restaurants is believed to be the location of the former British Prime Minister's death. Witnesses describe how she was sipping a sherry before a change in her usually calm demeanour. She leapt to her feet as the hotel's sound system began playing a Muzak version of Gangnam Style - a piece of music which did not actually feature in the hotel's playlist.

Examination of the public address technology has led to the conclusion that the music was piped into the hotel from an encrypted source overseas, and that for a few minutes, the sound system was hijacked.

Kim Ju On: The Grudge 2 has released footage of himself, apparently clapping along with last year's smash hit in real time in Pyongyang, to Thatcher's dance at the Ritz London.

In his speech, he said:

"People are under misplaced anxiety that I'm idiosyncratic. However, my new technology - broadcasting of strokes to the brain of former Prime Ministers - wreaks havoc when the technology is enhanced so that I can apply to the brain of current world leaders. I employ the labor of my whole workforce to achieve this end. My harvest of basketball playing cards is now extended to include people of various countries - such as the British Cameroon, and the President of the United States, Army Base Obama. Then, with a lower of the head to respect, they will finally suffer my policy of stroke of thermonuclear power - if they persist."

Thatcher - along with several other diners who joined her in the middle of the restaurant as she aggressively body-popped - was said to be exhausted after the dance. Described as "sick", "off the hook" and "well fresh",  the former Prime Minister was eventually escorted back to her table by concerned aides. When the eighty-seven year old sat down, her head immediately collapsed into a broccoli and blue cheese soup.

Thatcher, who cast a long shadow over British politics because of her oversized nose, will be remembered in future years as the first victim of Kim Ju On: The Grudge 2's bellicose assassination policy.