An Early Childhood Chapter 21 Part 3

 An Early Childhood by Paddy Flanagan is a mock surreal autobiography. Its first chapter is here. It parodies misery memoirs (such as Angela’s Ashes by the late great Frank McCourt), as well as time travel and science fiction elements of pop culture and other literature of various kinds - some Irish, but some from elsewhere.


 Continued from Part 2 of Chapter 21.

            Fletch, John, Sean and Tancred sprinted towards the mayor’s townhouse where I had – meanwhile – been doing battle with the pat rafters. As they approached, the four men saw three of the pat rafters standing guard outside the townhouse. Tancred unleashed a quarrel from his bow and it struck one of the sentries. John, Fletch and Sean threw themselves into the other two, but not before one of them squeezed off a shot and hit Tancred in the leg.

            Tancred ignored the flesh wound and ran into the house. He launched himself up the flight of stairs, following the trail of destruction. Finally, he reached my bedroom. I was backed against the wall doing battle with a dozen or more pat rafters. Three of them turned on Tancred when they spotted him. They charged simultaneously. Tancred managed to avoid two bayonets and kicked one of the men in the face, sending him crashing to the floor. He whipped an arrow out of his quiver and stabbed a second pat rafter in the eye with it. The wounded pat rafter fell to his knees screaming, clutching his face. The last pat rafter to face Tancred fired off his weapon at my Muslim friend. Tancred ducked and thrust himself into him, smashing both fists into his face.

            I had finished off the contingent of pat rafters who had been attacking me and now faced Mayor Tully, my last opponent. I swung my sword at the mayor’s feet. Tully jumped clear of the deadly blade but fell back through the window with a smash. I threw my hand out and the mayor caught it. It was a true mayoral handshake, with the provisional mayor and the democratically elected but now unpopular and corrupt mayor holding hands.

            Out in the front garden, Fletch heard the telephone ringing. Being something of the expert in part-time secretarial assistance in the gang – as well as general reception work – he ran in and picked it up.

            “Hello?” he said.

            “Help me,” Melanie Tiptoft’s plaintive voice could be heard in the earpiece. The line went dead.

            Fletch raced out the front door, over the fence and down the street back towards Constable Combover’s house. On his approach, he could see Shadraff at the door, a double-edged claymore in his hand and an evil glint in his eye, towering above Melanie and Melanie cowering below him.

            “Die, you monkey woman,” Shadraff said, an evil cackle emanating from between his lips. 

Continued in Chapter 21 Part 4.