Study links gun crime to childhood obesity

A recent study conducted by New York's Bob Hoskins University indicates that American teenagers are turning to gun crime as an "easy way out" when it comes to fighting with peers. The landmark sample of students across the forty-eight states that touch each other - and several counties in Alaska - was asked a series of questions and given a number of tasks under laboratory conditions, over the course of a six month period.

In order to complete their tests, the students were offered the choice of a physical altercation with a fellow test study subject, or the option of a super-sized fast food meal and a gun with which they could shoot their fellow test subject. Alarmingly, 94 percent of the students tested chose to eat a big meal and then shoot their lab test colleague, rather than have a fist-fight.

The tests - carried out on thousands of fourteen to seventeen year olds - took into consideration ethnic background, class, sexual orientation, pregancy status, and the neuro-political contexts into which each student had been brought up. Across all demographics, the vast majority of the students chose to eat a high-carb meal and shoot their peers, rather than attempt to resolve their differences through punching, hitting, gouging, or kicking - even when offered the option to happy slap.

Until now, anecdotal evidence had indicated that many teens felt too unfit to run, or to partake in sport. However, the study confirmed that carrying a gun would seem to mitigate the need to run - from any kind of conflict.

Recent controversies have surrounded schools sending letters home to parents, informing them that their child is overweight. The rationale behind such shaming correspondence isn't clear, but many of the children were sent home with the letters during school hours, walking as far as a mile in order to deliver the bad news before returning to class.

One thirteen year old Idaho girl was sent home with a letter explaining that she was overweight. Once the teaching staff learned on her return - four hours later - that the child lived five miles from the school's location, she was told the following morning to deliver a second letter detailing her obesity, followed the next day with a third letter about her super-obesity, and finally on the fourth day, correspondence pertaining to her super morbid obesity.

The same school made the headlines last year when a teacher was jailed for having an affair with the school's fifteen year old star Mathlete. Talk of their passionate trysts had spread like wildfire around the schoolyard, but it was the boy's weight that resulted in the exposure of the affair to the authorities, when the local board of education was forced to replace a splintered teacher's desk, a broken sink in the toilets, and a rowing machine in the school gym - all accidents caused by the child's weighty ardor.

Dr. Rudiger Bartholomew - who headed up the current study - explained that obese millennial teens face problems such as a hardening of the skin, or pimpling and ulcerating in the folds of flesh on areas of their bodies. Teens of the 1950s would have little understanding of these issues, he claimed, suffering as they did instead with the illnesses of their day, such as polio, or tuberculosis.

"Bedsores are a problem for kids now, and that never would have been a problem for a teenager in the fifities, even if they were in bed for a long period due to an illness from which they were about to die," says Dr. Rudiger Bartholomew. "But worse, the kids today are developing calluses on their hands from their overuse of firearms. I'd ask any trigger-happy teen or pre-teen who has shot someone to just take a moment, to rub their hands after they have fired off that round or two. Just - once they're sure that their adversary is down - they need to exercise a little inner mindfulness. I say just put that gun back in the belt, Missy, and flex your fingers or maybe even go for a walk, wringing your hands as you go. It just might help to reduce some of that callussing, the skin hardening that many teens experience on their index fingers and their palms today, from too much gun use."