Classified Ads


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JOB ADVERTS




Misunderestyrmatered superpowder leeder kneeds freinds for retirment parttee in 2 yee’rs time. BYYB. Figgered 14 yeer’s is enuf. GBW.



Buddhist monk seeks petrol for peaceful fireworks display/barbecue. No such resources in homeland due to nefarious pillaging by communist overlords.




Intellectually-redundant journalists required to fill remaining 5% of posts in US media corporations currently held by slightly observant people.
 


 LONELY HEARTS



Stunning celeb seeks rockstar husband to raise international profile yet again! Three used owners. Contact P Kensit, PO Box 1820.



Taliban widower, 62, NSOH, seeks submissive, masochistic teen virgin for immediate marriage, maybe beatings. Lost last wife in stoning incident following gang-rape.
 


 WANTED/FOR SALE


Comic artist keen to indirectly kill eighty Christians in the Middle East - coz he wants to continue to be a smartass - seeks whisk and bowl full of excrement.
Contact Haaaaarensen.Gaaaaabler@Taagere-Haaager-Nieuwspaaper.com.



Wanted: Escape route from Hague War Crimes Tribunal in 2015. Payment through Halliburton. Cardiovascular medication required. I'm not another Slobodan, damnit. How dare they. How dare they. Contact “The Puppeteer”.




Weak coffee required for covert assassination in 2015, Insh’Allah. Deliver to Muhammad al-Abdaq (Commis-Chef), c/o Scheveningen Prison, The Hague.





Solutions sought to treat out-of-control fringe movement. Contact Laboratoires Garnier, Paris.


 
Following objects required immediately: Laser sword (preferably green), artificial hand, propensity for patience, non-translucent mentor. Call LUKE.



Three-generation family needs new home. Current accommodations inadequate following re-development some years ago. Please contact Mr Charlie Wong, Women’s Changing Area, National Indoor Stadium, Beijing.



Adolf Hitler’s ageing nephew wants your assistance in continuing to mark the anniversary of his uncle’s death every year. He has one simple wish: To masturbate to orgasm in disgust - as he has done annually - since 1953. There's no time to waste. He has a terminal illness, and half a year to live, so he wants to get as many future anniversaries in as possible, over the next six months. Simply send a check now to the Dieter Schmidt Viagra Fund.