An Early Childhood Chapter 21 Part 2


 Continued from the prologue of Chapter 21.

 An Early Childhood by Paddy Flanagan is a mock surreal autobiography. Its first chapter is here. It parodies misery memoirs (such as Angela’s Ashes by the late great Frank McCourt), as well as time travel and science fiction elements and other literature of various kinds - mainly Irish, but very often not. Very often.

            Well, having fully digested the trout of fierce intelligence, replete as it was in amazing fish oils, my smarts faded after my next passing and I was reduced once more to an incredibly talented yet not abnormally intelligent young revolutionary.

                Tancred, Sean, Fletch, John and myself began the process of establishing a new local government within my hometown, with me as the provisional mayor, fulfilling a prophecy made by Judge Rarely-Smyled long before. I moved into the mayor’s townhouse and Fletch Curtis moved into Constable Combover’s abode, where Colonel Sir Edward “Gold Bollocks” Tiptoft had lived before he and his regiment fled down the River Shandy, abandoning not only the rest of the conspirators, who were hiding in the forests, but Melanie Tiptoft who was also hiding in the forest as she had become more apelike in appearance – although still beautiful. More about her in a good while from now. Don’t worry, I’ll get to it, by Golly. But for the moment, let’s leave sleeping chimpanzees lie.

            One evening I was looking into establishing a new county council with its headquarters in my hometown, alongside a medical centre of quite high quality, in order to streamline my kickbacks, when there was a knock on the door. I pulled the door open to see Mayor Tully accompanied by three pat rafters standing before me smiling. You will recall that the pat rafters had been my neighbours when I was growing up as a young f'lahhh. They had now joined forces with the occupation movement of Englanders in Ireland.
             They were carrying rifles with bayonets affixed to them.

            “We’re here to take the town BACK in the name of Floudh RAK!” Mayor Tully said.

            The first of the three pointed his bayonet at me and lunged. I swerved to avoid the weapon and the pat rafter fell over my leg. I drew my pistol from its perpetual place at my side and fired two shots at the other two pat rafters and they fell back off the doorstep to be replaced by two more. A dozen – and even more – pat rafters barged their way into my house; I emptied the pistol into them and four more fell. One of them charged at me and I grabbed his nearest brother and the bayonet went into his torso instead of mine. I ran from this attack of the clones, throwing myself up the stairs and I grabbed the ornamental scimitar which my father had given me from off the wall and began to parry the thrusting bayonets with the sword as I slowly backed up the stairs, the pat rafters doggedly in lugubrious but determined pursuit. I hacked some twelve rifles in two before I reached the top of the stairs, and with a fierce kick sent into the chest of the leading pat rafter, sent them all tumbling back down the stairs, a couple of sickening crunches indicating to me that I’d mortally wounded another two.

            Meanwhile, at Constable Combover’s old house – as I was later informed – there was a knock on the door. Tancred, Sean, Fletch and John were passing the time playing a game of cards. Fletch got up to answer the door and Melanie Tiptoft stood before him, tears brimming over her lower, chimplike eyelids.

            “Michael Shadraff made advances towards me and I fled from the forest—but not before I heard what the conspirators are planning. They’re attacking the town again tonight in order to retake it and they’re going to kill Paddy Flanagan,” she told Fletch, and she almost swooned but he caught her in his arms before placing her on the chaise longue in the hall. Fletch grabbed his rifle and summoned the other men. He brought Melanie around and handed a pistol to her.

            “You stay here,” he told her.
            “Don’t leave me—”
            “Lock the door. Keep it bolted. Use the pistol if you have to,” Fletch said. He pointed at the other three. “Come on lads,” he said, “Paddy’s in trouble.”

The story continues in Chapter 21 Part 3.