An Early Childhood Chapter 19 Part 3



Continued from An Early Childhood Chapter 19 Part 2.

 An Early Childhood by Paddy Flanagan is a mock surreal autobiography. Its first chapter is here. It parodies misery memoirs (such as Angela’s Ashes by the late great Frank McCourt), as well as time travel and sci fi movies found in pop culture, and literature of various kinds.


Act I – Scene VII



EXT – AT THE DOOR OF A HOUSE - DAY




(A few minutes later, HUNT, DRAKE and FLANAGAN knock on a door. It is opened by a giant, WEATHERCAPE.)



HUNT

Captain Larry Weathercape?


WEATHERCAPE

That’s the name.



HUNT

We hear that you like skinning women in the future.



WEATHERCAPE

That’s right. And now, of course. (PAUSE.)



FLANAGAN

So you admit it.



WEATHERCAPE

Well, I don’t mind the fat girls.



DRAKE

Skinning.



WEATHERCAPE

That’s right. (PAUSE.)



FLANAGAN

So, as we said, you admit it!



WEATHERCAPE

Well, if the girl is a bit fleshy I don’t mind…



DRAKE

Skinning!



WEATHERCAPE

(LOOKING BEYOND THE THREE OFFICERS)

Oh, look! (HE POINTS UP THE STREET, STABBING THE AIR.) The confusion! (HE POINTS MORE AGGRESSIVELY. THE THREE OFFICERS TURN AROUND, FOLLOWING THE DIRECTION IN WHICH HE IS POINTING. WEATHERCAPE BOLTS OFF DOWN THE STREET ON FOOT.



CUT TO: WHAT IS SEEN FROM THE THREE OFFICERS’ POINT OF VIEW:



A VAGINA THE SIZE OF A HUMAN BEING’S TORSO IS STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET ON A PAIR OF LEGS, DOING A DANCE. FROM TWO PIERCINGS ON EITHER SIDE OF THE VAGINA DANGLE EARRINGS CONTAINING GOLD LOCKETS. THE LOCKETS ARE BOTH OPEN, AND THEY CONTAIN A PHOTOGRAPH OF ACTOR NIGEL HAVERS SMILING BACK OUT OF ONE, AND THE ACTOR RICHARD CHAMBERLAIN SMILING OUT OF THE OTHER.



HUNT (TO FLANAGAN)

What the hell are you thinking, Flanagan? This is connected to your subconscious! Your imagination is running the Riot Act!



FLANAGAN

I don’t know. (FROWNING.) I was just thinking about the comedy back in my timeline. I was thinking about Charlie Chaplin.



HUNT (ADMITTEDLY)

He is a funny ****.



ALL THREE TOGETHER

Ooohhhhh!



DRAKE

It must all be connected to your subconscious! (THE TWO MEN LOOK AT HER, CONFUSED.) A funny ****! (SHE POINTS AT THE VAGINA DOING THE DANCE ON THE STREET. THEY WATCH IT FOR A FEW MOMENTS, AS IF HYPNOTISED.)



FLANAGAN

Yeah…maybe that’s it.



(THEY TURN BACK TO SEE WEATHERCAPE DISAPPEARING AROUND THE CORNER.)



DRAKE

Oh, no. He’s getting away. And so is your chance to get back – back to the future!



HUNT

But if all this is in your subconscious, Chief Inspector Flanagan, or whatever your title is, then we might have a way to send you back to the future and wrap everything up like a shit storm at a tea party!



FLANAGAN

What do you intend doing, Hunt?



HUNT

Fire up the Quattro, Flanagan. Give chase…to Weathercape. Once that Quattro reaches 88 miles per hour—



(HUNT REACHES INTO THE QUATTRO AND FLIPS A SWITCH. THE BACK WINDSCREEN OF THE QUATTRO LIGHTS UP TO REVEAL CIRCUITRY AND FLASHING LIGHTS.)



FLANAGAN

You mean…



(HUNT NODS HIS HEAD VIGOROUSLY.)