Irregularities discovered in Meat Factory

After a three month delay, a cross border initiative has released its report on the Silvercrest meat processing facility at which a number of horses were discovered. It is now believed that the abattoir linked to the recently horse-tainted beef has - for more than twenty years - been operating as a riding school, employing an entire orphanage of healthily-medicated Iraqi children as its stable-boys.
A "sprouts n stout" concoction that most Irish people now call dinner, after a food scare


An RTE exposé on the food scare - initiated by the Prime Time Investigates team, but since taken over by the producers of Ear to the Ground - indicates that some of the abattoir cattle were cleaned on the farm using salon-quality hair products, rather than the high street or supermarket brand shampoos that could have been used. Further, the cattle were sent swimming in coastal waters - without supervision - on an almost weekly basis, to wash out their luxury shampoos, so that the decadence would go unnoticed.

Until today, claims of mysterious bovine sightings and encounters of cows in coastal waters were said to be imagined, due to the intense sunstroke caused by the blistering Irish summers. However, the last decade of such reports now appear to have some foundation. Over the last ten years, cows emerged from beneath the waves to startle surfers and swimmers, cattle were spotted sunbathing, and bovines greedily stole ice cream from children, and then shamed mothers who tried to engage them after the theft, by divesting them of their bikinis.

Sprouts n stout (another image)

The farmer at the centre of the crisis has handwritten a number of responses to queries raised by the investigative team looking into the affair. His scribbled replies are due to the fact that he "can work the photocopier part of it on the top, but [he is] no good with operating the printer part on the computer printer". His printage-capable son - who would usually assist him in printing responses - has been forced to emigrate to Phobos. One of the Planet Mars's two small moons, Phobos is where he is putting his communications diploma to good use, as he attempts to establish links with an unmanned European Space Agency probe that was sent to the red planet's rocky surface some years ago.