Classified Ads


Amusement park employees required for Superconducting Super Collider project. Contact CERN at Geneva, Brazil, South Pacific Archipelago.

Ten-month-old actor required for home-movie related jape. Previous work with oranges preferred, but ABSOLUTELY NO EXPERIENCE OF LEMONS is ESSENTIAL.

Surgeons required for minor operation (trigger-finger removal) on 250,000 US Armed Forces members. Contact NATO for details.

Half-blind pyjama-wearing amputee self-starter needed to disseminate religious hatred in Greater London area. PO Box 210, Finsbury.

Genuine, self-deprecating Masai warrior required for comedy sketch. Must be Masai due to cultural sensitivities.


Irish farmer wants sexy girdle to wrap around his fat body. Must be supportive, and fond of cabbage and potatoes.

Breadcrumbs seeking Alaskan Pollock for tasty fish finger collaboration. Don’t quite know how to cook yet, but willing to burn.

Dog, 5, seeks HUMAN LEG (fully trousered), for companionship, maybe more. Call Patches.

Femme, 28, seeking players for rugby squad in Lesbianic League. Butch & macho a must.

OMG I’ve never tried this before! First time for everything! LOL! 20 words? Well, a bit about me! I’m a 22-year-

VICTORIA, you voicemailed FRANK last week, but you were cut off. Please PHONE AGAIN and COMPLETE SENTENCE about SUCKING FARTS.

Winsome cheetah, 8, seeks antelope or zebra for company.



Plutonium-Fed Nuclear Reactor required to create CHICKEN AND MUSHROOM SOUP. Contact Heston B.

FOR IMMEDIATE SALE: Twelve thousand packed suitcases. EVERYTHING MUST GO! Contact British Airways, T5, Heathrow.

Required immediately by highly-competent bitch: Campaign strategy that DOES NOT BACKFIRE! Will do ANYTHING to guarantee success (except oral). HC
National Rifle Association wants immediate resurrection of octogenarian actor in order to retract statement. Write with suggestions.

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