METROPOLITAN POLICE STATION, 1987 – AFTERNOON
GENE HUNT, ALEX DRAKE, RAY CARLING, CHRIS
GRANGER AND EIGHT OTHER DETECTIVES ARE GATHERED AROUND LOOKING AGOG AT PADDY
FLANAGAN AS HE STANDS UP. HE IS WEARING FRILLY UNDERWEAR AND A PAIR OF
SUSPENDERS AND IS COVERED FROM HEAD TO TOE IN A THIN FILM OF LIQUID. ALL OF THE
OTHER OFFICERS ARE ALSO SPLASHED IN THE LIQUID
What is this vile liquid?
I’m not sure, ma’am.
Where am I, exactly?
Does this mean that we’re covered in his…?
I…I…I’m a bit discombobulatered altogether.
Wait a second – I have a question here. Are
we all covered…in…?
Put me back in the cake! I want to go back –
back to the Twenties!
From his silly banter, this man covered in
his own silky muck seems to be a time traveller, ma’am. It appears that he had
to be covered in birthing fluids in order to be “reborn” in the future – or
Yes, yes, of course…but it doesn’t excuse the
fact that he’s covered in his own filthy guy-juices!
It’s ectoplasm! Or else it's from a fox! Do you understand?
Wait a second here…if this is my birthday
present…well then it’s a present for fucking poofters! I can’t be having that!
(PAUSE. LOOKS AT FLANAGAN SEXILY.) But I would love to take him home and give
him a good roger---beating. A good beating. (LOOKS TO GENE.) Guv?
It is my birthday!
NO! This man is in breach of several laws of
Physics. And biology. How did he manage to produce so much… (MAKES DISGUSTED
It’s ectoplasm! Do you not understand what
And of course, sir, we cannot fail to pick up
on the significance of the folding of space time via a birthday cake. Which is,
in and of itself, a cultural symbol of age and time.
Nice detective work, Shazza. If I need to
know anything about time loops and breaches of the four dimensions, I’ll be in
touch with you…rather than DOCTOR FUCKING WHO!!! In the meantime, Raymondo,
could you take Mr Jippy Longstockings here to the showers? Wash him down and give
him some period clothing – then we’ll find out why he’s here!
Act I – Scene III
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM – 1987 – AFTERNOON
ALEX DRAKE AND GENE HUNT ARE SITTING OPPOSITE
FLANAGAN, WHO IS SITTING IN A HAWAIIAN TEE SHIRT AND A PAIR OF STONE WASHED CHINOS.
THERE IS NOW ALSO A STREAK OF BLOND HAIR THROUGH HIS FRINGE, WHICH HAS BECOME A
QUIFF. HE IS ALSO WEARING A THICK MOUSTACHE.
This is the last time I’m going to tell you.
I was shot…with fluids…by a fox…in a fantasy land…which was opened for me…by
the business boy apple salesboy…Billy Boy Cullen. What part of that do neither
of you understand?
(PAUSE. THEY LOOK AT HIM, AND HE LOOKS AT
EACH OF THEM IN TURN.)
ALEX (LOOKING AT GENE, SADNESS IN HER TONE)
No…he’s…he’s still delusional. (PAUSE.) It’s
so sad, because he’s so handsome. (EMITS A HIGH PITCHED SQUEAK.)