Further Chik Fil-A abuse revealed

Abuse against Chik Fil-A - also known as "Capuchin Chicken" in regions as far afield as Europe - seems to continue unabated: A sickening level of hatred is prevalent among the general populace worldwide. However, despite the reaction to expressing opinion in the United States, nothing quite as bad as the latest revelation was believed possible until yesterday.


A number of UK newspapers have gone to press - having had fair comment and opinion imposed on them due to recent inquiries - with the story of a Chik Fil-A or "Capuchin" monk, caged by the Protestant Trevellyan family from Leeds in the UK at their home, for almost two decades. The monk was permitted out of his cage for no more than an hour each day. Disgustingly, the priest was reportedly fed on a diet of nuts, fruit, insects, seeds - and as a "special treat" now and then, according to the sadistic family - an egg.

Rendering of what the Trevellyan's monk may have possibly looked like, were he capable

Members of the Trevellyan family - who declare themselves to be "bordering on agnostic" - have declined to comment on their treatment of the monk, other than father of four Luke Trevellyan's statement that "we did what we could for the little guy, but he got too much to handle. I think what we did now was probably wrong, and they shouldn't be kept as pets. We don't think it's right - or fair - to keep him any more."

The chicken outlet employee - who, it has been determined, after scanning a number of reports describing the ill treated priest as a "Capuchin monk or monkey" - is believed to have been working as a missionary in the Amazon in the mid 90s in a "social group of thirty members". Clearly enjoying an idyllic lifestyle, living off the land, he was tranquilised, captured and ultimately shipped to the United Kingdom, where he was subjected to the whims of the Trevellyans.

Today, the monk is so scarred by treatment at the hands of his captors that when confronted with his own reflection in a mirror, he screeches in horror at his appearance before curling into a ball, rocking himself back and forth. Shockingly - after the monk's condition was reported anonymously to the authorities by a concerned third party - it has been determined in a court ruling that the Trevellyans actually did nothing illegal. The lawyer representing the Trevellyans somehow managed to convince prosecutors that keeping the monk in the manner which they did falls under animal welfare legislation. The judge hearing the case was given a number of Dixie Chicks CDs for precedent - to which he was listening at the time - and therefore unavailable for interview.

The Chik Fil-A employee has suffered bone damage as the result of rickets due to a lack of exposure to sunlight. Incapable of social interaction, he has made a new home at an animal sanctuary in Wales, where he has the space to roam freely in an enclosure far larger than the prison that he called home for twenty years. Surrounded by frogs, he now divides most of his time between a tyre and a log. The future for this man of God - pejoratively described by Luke Trevellyan as "one of nature's little butlers" - is bleak.