If you want to eat your way through Italy like that woman who wrote the book they made a movie out of with Julia Slobbers - yes, you know the one - that's right - her book! - then here are a few tips to set you on your way!
Tips are numbered in Italiano from the top down!
Tip Number Septic:
How to get to Italy? Why not make a tv ad looking for sponsorship?
Remember, if you're making a television ad, it's important to ensure that your onscreen dialogue is just a little bit out of sync with your audio. If you have the sound perfectly synchronised with the visuals, then people will regard your ad as a little shoddy in terms of post-production values.
|Gnocchi doesn't mean that you don't have a soul. It's a kind of delicious dish!||(Photo courtesy of Hanna.)|
Tip Number Sexto:
Remember always carry a can of pepperspray with you when you're in Italy in case you bump into lecherous media billionaire and political puppet master Silvio Berlusconi. If you happen to encounter Silvio and he won't leave you alone, make sure to check during the course of your conversation whether he has left his teeth in a glass in his palatial villa, or if he has them in his mouth. If he's left his pearly whites at home, it means that he's out and about looking for love from either gender.
Silvio doesn't care to admit his bisexualism, preferring instead to boast of affairs with dancing female embryos. And remember, his gummy face is known in Italy as "the Vice". For related reasons, Mr Silvio gets along really well with former President of America, Mr BJ Clinton! Bada bing bada boo!
So when it comes to Mister Berlusconi, always exercise caution - whether his teeth are in his mouth, on his bedside locker, or even on the streets of Milan!
(Pepper spray will also add a little zing to your pasta.)
Tip Number Mutande:
Make yourself less intimidating by making your name longer!
If your name is Bernie and you're a little aggressive and out there, appear less threatening by lengthening your name to Bernardino or Bernardito. This is a clever way to show off how cute you are!
The same goes for objects. If you don't like your spaghetti long, once you've attracted the waiter in the restaurant, then simply squint your eyes and put your index finger and thumb near each other, indicating something miniscule. Then simply utter the word "Spaghetititininini." We're sure that the chef will happily oblige, cutting the spaghetti up to make it more manageable for your refined palate.
|Photo courtesy of Hanna|
And remember, if you prefer your spaghetti a little less feminine, you can order the spaghetto. Little spaghettos are called spaghettotinitotos! So put in your order in the restaurant and see the reaction at your amazing linguine linguistic skills!
Tip Number Quattro:
If you're in the Piedmont region, and you're in a winery, be sure to ask the people who run the vineyard if they use the Nebbiolo grape in their wines.
|Photo courtesy of Hanna|
This grape comes from an area of the Piedmont that's prone to plenty of fog in the fall and winter months.
The grape itself develops a misty skin before it is harvested - another reason why the grape is called Nebbiolo. The grape name is derived from the Italian for "fog"!
The German word for fog is "Nebel" - as in the famous documentary about the Holocaust, Nacht und Nebel, or Night and Fog. Don't be afraid to bring up these points while you're in this wonderful Alpine region. Whenever you get the chance, steer the Italians away from their grape talk and ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ask them about their involvement in the Second World War. If you fail to get answers, make sure to poke the Italian person in the chest or the shoulder to get their attention!
More tips for eating your way through Italy next week! (Or maybe not.)