Republican Debate Unites Candidates

At the latest debate for the pending Super Caucus Duper Primary Stupor Filibuster Dick Clark's Blooper Moccasins Ultimate Challenge Tuesday - ULTIMATE FIGHTER X ROUND 7! AND THE X IS A TEN!!!, in the wilds of Butte, Montana, the ninety eleventh knockout round of its kind in the race, the four remaining ultra conservative contenders for the GOP presidential nomination have declared themselves united on at least one front. Two words: Good. Neighborhoodship.*


Before the biggest ultimate debate ever, where we may see The Newt extract his revenge with a Shurnuff Barlow knife, here's a little background on each of the candidates:

Ron Paul
At the far left and the extreme right of the field is all round "pincer movement conservative", just slightly batty elderman baby deliverer, Doctor Ron Paul. The only candidate to have taken part in the Civil War, Ron Paul was christened with two first names by his parents. They forgot to tack on his last name, making him familiar around women and endearing himself to them in ways that more manly men who are less skinny and less soft spoken and have surnames just can't manage. As a result, let's just say he got a reputation for being REAL friendly down at the maternity hospital.

On his down time, he likes playing air guitar with Sarah Palin (mimicking his brother Les) and masquerading as a gynaecologist. A common sense isolationist, his preference for leaving well enough alone instead of carpet bombing Somali villages has endeared him to Somali villagers throughout Somalia and London.

Middling in the foreground to the extreme right, we have legal cheese whizz kid and family friendly cheesy damp hands, Mister Ricky Froth. A relative newcomer to the game, Ricky has some acting experience, having played strait laced Deputy White House Communications Director Will Bailey in The West Wing after replacing Rob Lowe.
Ricky Froth


Lowe subsequently went on to star in quirky liberal fam dram, Siblings and Dribblings, but he got killed in a crash. Will this endear Mister Froth to the voters? After all, he is family friendly! Only time will tell.

To the right of center, except kind of more far right in a business sense, is Jobs Denier Creator Denier, Bishop of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, "The Mexican Him Very Self" "Glove" Rodney, "The Mook Mexican" Rodney.
Photo by Gage Skidmore

The first Hispastic Sistercian to rub for the Presidency on a Mormon ticket, rubbing his hands while he chants a mantra, he believes in things that you and I don't. He prays over the graves of vampires. But he's not a witch. He's not anything you've heard. He's YOU.


Finally, bringing up the rear on the right with a knife for the stabby stabby is an actual reptile, a slimy, sneaky, poisonous, toxic, disgusting, wart-spreading aberration of The Newt. The Newt has no class because of his arguable taxonomy. If you cut off his arm, it grows back. He has eleven tentacles inside his mouth, that blindly reach out and probe the surrounding ground, searching for prey. His teeth are as sharp as needles. At the end of each of his four earlobes - two on each ear - are found six lactating nipples, all the better to eat you with. Let me offer you a word of advice about The Newt: The Newt will run you down, and then The Newt will spit you out, and then The Newt will ride your ass, and then The Newt will bury you. It's all there, in the famous nursery rhyme. Out of respect for The Newt, we have avoided use of The Newt's image.

*All of the candidates advocate good neighborhoodship.