Box stuffing Vladimir Putin’s historic victory in the Russian presidential campaign came as a surprise to no one in Russia. No one that is, except for the teary eyed, much loved shadowy patriarch of the “great gassy bear that straddles the Urals”: To transliterate from the Cyrillic: Vladimir Putin, of Russia.

In a speech before nearly 31 people doctored to look like 100,000 outside the Vatican Kremlin, the winner of the rigged election talked about how Russia has changed over two decades, from a country with coffee shops that sold “horrible, horrible tea, flavoured with a spoonful of jam, in the Soviet fashion”, to a country with coffee shops that sold “many, many different kinds of much lovelier horrible tea. Not just the horrible tea we once had to tolerate. Today, horrible green teas…and we have the horrible camomile teas, we also have a kind of peppermint tea, which is also of a horrible quality, as well as another class of a horrible thing called nettle tea? – but not just those, but many more great choices when it comes to the horrible tea. The one choice of horrible tea is no longer good enough for the Russian people. Thanks to their demands, today many more choices of the teas are horrible! And not just teas. Ladies and gentlemen, we also have horrible cigarettes. We used to have horrible cigarettes that were stale. Today, we can enjoy horrible cigarettes! And we even have horrible medicines, and even clothing that is horrible. It is all horrible. A horrible country! An entire federation made horrible - by me!” The Supreme Leader then wept, dried his eyes, and was seen winking as he gave his nose a good pick with his thumb and he looked at his predecessor, Dmitry the Good, and winked again, because he’d actually been crying with tears of laughter.

Photo courtesy www.kremlin.ru
Mr Putin then pulled his jacket and shirt over his head dramatically to reveal a large bosom held up in what appeared to be a bra, hanging from which was a large handgun, with a wonderfully ornate pearl mother of Chechen bone handle. It turned out that what had seemed a bra, was actually a manly holster for the President's big gun.

Unfortunately, the Supreme Leader’s hair had also come off with his clothes. At that point, Dmitry the Good stepped forward to spray a canister over Putin’s head. Whatever the canister emitted produced a few wisps atop the former JCB man’s bald pate, so that the Grand Kap-eee-tan of the Russian Oligarchy was suddenly a bit more “youngful” again.

“Youngful I look, and youngful I am. Just two or three weeks ago I was out collecting the archaeology. I proved the greatness of Russia throughout the centuries. I say to the Russian people that just as I reveal the past greatness of Russia, I shall lead this great and horrible country – out of the world recession. One two three KABLAMMO! Glory to Russia!”

Dmitry the Good pulled out a calculator and a pair of spectacles, totted up the figures, and nodded in agreement. Putin begins his unpresidented third term as leader whenever he likes.