Murdoch: "No longer any pretence as reports sent from Death Star"

Media magnate Rupert Murdoch - who is going through some of the most humbling experiences of his life lately - has decided to permit his tv journalists to film to-camera pieces from their Death Star base currently orbiting Earth, if they have no need to leave the off-planet headquarters of News International Corporation Sky Fox International Congloberation. For decades, it was believed that Murdoch had notions about his power that were above his station. They weren't.

Reports now filed from Death Star.
In a new culture of openness, Murdoch's admission that his satellite network is complemented by the massive space station comes after months of speculation about his empire's tenuous future. It is obvious now, however, that his power is ubiquitous.

The orbiting news station's purposes extend to astronomy. Monitoring the skies for celestial bodies such as asteroids and comets that could strike the Earth, it calculates which astronomical phenomena would have apocalyptic results on the planet's life, and which would result in destruction that is deemed simply newsworthy. It was revealed last night that two years ago the news station obliterated an Earth bound comet that it observed approaching from the outer solar system. However, Murdoch is looking forward to an asteroid strike scheduled for 2014, expected to result in just a few million deaths.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, Sky News anchorman Kay Burley said that the entire empire has been "gearing up" for the strike for the last five years.

"This is not the kind of a thing that would wipe out the entire eastern seaboard of the United States, like 9-11. But what it will do - what the experts tell me it will do - is kill off developing world instra structure and a sonic boom that well what I know is - don't get me wrong - our Sky surveyors have already sent probes to the asteroid to do tests and by God there'll be hell to pay. I'm not going to take any more shit. I have a novel out!"

BSB probes have been sent out beyond Jupiter to ascertain the age and composition of the asteroid, for an extended profile of the body that will run for at least a month in Murdoch owned titles before the predicted strike.

The hydrogen fuelled probes have carried out a series of FUN tests, made up of Fluorine, Uranium and Nitrogen testing that scientists describe as being on a par with carbon dating.

The admission of the Death Star's existence also answers a number of other mysteries. It had been unclear until now as to why astrologers working for News International Corporation's daily and weekly titles had been so much more accurate in predicting the future for their readers than those working for other papers. It transpires that those working for News International Corporation have access to planetary and galactic data from the Death Star's monitoring systems - known to News International Corporation employees as the "Great Galactic Phone Tap" - allowing astrologers to more accurately foresee matters of love and money for their readership.