CGI becoming obsolete, insists Hollywood producer

Four years ago, cigar chomping Hollywood director producer Harvey Brickheimer-Emmerich commissioned a biotechnology firm with the development and rearing of a super-massive ant. Two entomologists, three veterinarians, seven cattle ranchers, and a retired circus master were hurt in the making of the ant, as it was matured through a combination of gene therapy and DNA hybridization techniques. It is intended that the ant will launch a franchise of horror movies, and that its size will allow the films' director-producer to keep the costs of computer generated imagery low.
Photo courtesy Alex Rauch

"CGI is old hat," claims Brickheimer-Emmerich, as we discuss his new project in a Hollywood restaurant with enough variety on the menu to satisfy the entire Topeka KA chapter of Elvis impersonators celebrating the 25th anniversary of the King of Rock & Roll Fan Club. However, the fan club's celebrations had taken place last year at an entirely different location. Today, unfortunately, no fan club members were anywhere near the restaurant.

"We expect to save millions in post production work thanks to this new genetic technology."
"When you say we, do you mean as in you and me?" I ask him.
"No."

The Hollywood auteur got the idea when he went to the biotech firm to audition insects for the horror feature. "I didn't have any studio backing. I was just checking things out." When he saw the screentests of the various insects, he was particularly taken with the ants. But he asked the scientists if there was any way that they could make the arthropods any bigger. He knew that the small size of the ants would cause problems, as they could be difficult to locate on a set, if they decided to go for a stroll. The lab technicians sent him away with the promise that they would do their best. Once funding for the project materialized, work started in earnest in creating the supermassive beast.

The creature has already been booked for the upcoming horror movie starring Fifty Cent and Rutger Hauer - the first of a planned trilogy. If the first movie proves a hit, the sequels will be shot back to back. Trained in acting for camera by a method coach who specializes in Brechtian alienation techniques, and an entomological pharmacologist who has expertise in chemical signals, the unique beast has done all of its work in front of green screen technology so that it is not spooked once actual shooting begins. It is expected that the ant will do all of its acting in front of green screen. Mr. Cent and Mr. Hauer have also started pre-production work on the movie, bathing daily for three hours in a gloop of pheromones and enzymes that will endear the creature to them. Once production begins, the ant will regard them as non-threatening - although its newly acquired acting abilities will allow it to fake the motiveless malice often bestowed on such creatures by man's tendency towards anthropomorphism.

Post production backdrops will include the Nevada Desert, from where - according to the movie's plot - the ant has emerged after a series of nuclear tests goes awry and - according to details uncovered from the script's final act - the city of Las Vegas. Special effects will also add a set of frightening mandibles to the ant's face, and the spiracles running along its body may be enhanced so that it appears more hostile.
Photo courtesy Alex Rauch

Things are all go for the social insect now, which is so big that it requires its own trailer. Its keepers regard it as a "three year old overnight success". The canny agent of the lucky hymenopteran has also booked a 3D movie that reveals the life of a typical ant. The biotech firm which produced the ant has now been tasked with creating hundreds of insects, arachnids, plants and a single aardvark to similar scale, so that all of the ant's surroundings in this more true-to-life biopic appear completely realistic.