Arts Council sentences Brian Keenan to five years imprisonment, in hope he writes better book

The Arts Council, in association with Aosdana and Northern Ireland’s Department of Culture, Arts and Leisure, has sentenced former Beirut hostage Brian Keenan to five years in prison after poor reviews of his recent work. In passing sentence, Justice Kearney Pilsudski expressed the hope that Keenan’s writing style would return to its former glory in an environment similar to the one that produced his masterpiece, An Evil Cradling.

Although the costs of the incarceration will be shared by the Irish and British governments, Keenan’s human rights will be undermined to GitMo levels from the first day he enters his cell in order to both reduce the expense of his incarceration and improve the literary quality of his material upon release. He will spend most of his time blindfolded and chained to a radiator in order to replicate as closely as possible the conditions experienced when he was held for four and a half years by Islamic Jihad in wartorn Beirut.

Mr. Keenan hasn't published a book since 2010. However, due to economic factors, the idea was mooted at a recent jobs creation initiative to incarcerate him for poor reviews of his most recent literary works in order to drive up profits in the Irish arts within the next five years.

Keenan’s creative spark was fired on his release by his kidnappers in 1990, and a year later the story of his captivity, a beautifully written piece of prose, was published to great acclaim. It is not known whether a repeated bout of deprivation will foster the same artistic juices in Keenan’s now more experienced mind. It has been argued by some critics that Keenan’s creativity spark was only made possible because he was not exposed to the massive popular success enjoyed by record producers Stock, Aitken and Waterman during his years of captivity.

Professor Davis Hibrow, lecturer in English at Jesus College, Cambridge, says:
"The total and complete muck that was in the charts while he was prevented from cultural interaction in the late Eighties may have been a boon to Keenan’s creativity. It didn’t pollute his mindset. I would argue that there is less total crap out there today, per head of capita, relative to the shite that was around back then. And the availability of choice is far greater. So I really don’t know if this spell in prison will have much effect on the guy’s artistry."

Photo courtesy of

Photo courtesy of

Keenan himself was unavailable for comment, his whereabouts now unknown, but it is believed that he is in a high security prison somewhere within the thirty-two counties. However, some sources have suggested that in a knowing postmodern wink to victims of abuse in Central Europe, he may in fact be being held in a dank but furnished basement beneath his own home, completely unbeknownst to his family.