Activ Yoghurt Claims to Reduce Everything

The makers of Activ Yogurt, working at a laboratory at Bradford in England, have released footage of three unidentified women sitting on a couch at an unknown location, talking about feeling “bloated” after the consumption of a meal.
            “Sometimes after a meal, I feel a bit bloated,” one admits from what appears to be a softly lit television studio.
            “Yeah, there’s a kind of heaviness that sets in after meals occasionally,” a second woman adds, nodding her head vigorously.
            A third woman claims with a wince:
            “It’s not a nice feeling. It’s kind of…icky.”
In the past, women who felt bloated after meals were said to be fat. Claims made by these same women that strenuous exercise was made impossible by the fact that it was not ladylike to jiggle around the park in a track suit like the Michelin Man on speed, sweat pumping from every pore, were met with derision by medical experts everywhere, who pointed out that a lorry-driver’s paunch isn’t particularly ladylike either.

However, the newly developed Bivicus Digestivum Immunitas found in every pot of Activ Yoghurt is said to reduce stomach swelling after meals and aid in the digestive process. That's right: It contains good bacteria that is said to aid in digestion. Here's the science bit:

Everyone contains a natural balance of good bacteria and bad bacteria inside their bodies.

Sometimes, bad bacteria overpowers the body's good bacteria, running amok and localising the good bacteria to isolated regions of the body.

Activ Yogurt actively acts upon the bad bacteria by activating lots more good active bacteria, not only restoring the natural order of things, but actually positively activating them - TO THE MAX!

Amazingly, the “miracle culture” found in Activ Yoghurt is also scientifically proven to lower cholesterol when eaten as part of a healthy, balanced diet, combined with regular exercise. Scientists have known for years that a single cigarette, smoked daily, combined with a healthy, balanced diet and regular exercise, reduced cholesterol. They also learned that half a tomato, stuffed with chicken meat, combined with a healthy, balanced diet and regular exercise, reduced cholesterol. Only a month ago researchers made the discovery that the penile appendage of the kangaroo, marinated in carrot juice at a low temperature for three days, also had the same effect on cholesterol levels when eaten as part of a healthy diet, in conjunction with regular exercise. However, it is only now that the ground-breaking work carried out by the makers of Activ, shows that eating their product, under the same conditions, has the same incredible effect.

Polish woman leaves scene of hit and run to attend party, angering headline readers eager to read more

A Donegal based Polish woman on her way to a dinner party angered online newspaper readers over the weekend by leaving the scene of a hit and run accident on Friday. The woman, in her mid 20s, was driving at speed when a two year old was struck. She stopped her car, but left the scene of the incident while the two year old was clearly still seriously injured.

Online headlines such as "Polish woman flees accident scene to attend party" and "Polish woman (27) parties all night after hit and run of two year old (2and3/4)" provoked readers to such anger that they clicked the links into actual newspaper articles so that they could glean further details. Some readers were even ready to start hating more than one Polish person. A Dublin based Czech cigarette dealer was even thought of with some negativity by an anonymous Irishman.

The woman, who is known to locals as Ewelina (pronounced Ev-a-leen-a, not Yoo-leena), was unavailable for comment today as she was on a Bundoran beach taking part in what is known in Poland as "bunker putting practise".

It is believed, deep down in our heart of hearts, right to the very core, that she left the scene of the hit and run last Friday. After the car in front of her - driven by a drunk Irishman - struck a two year old Irish setter dog (which Ewelina mistakenly referred to as an "Irish settler dog" to friends later that evening), she stopped her car and contacted the local chapter of the Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. Ewelina left the scene more than an hour later, after the arrival of a trainee vet and the animal's owner. The semi conscious dog was still in shock but is now recovering.

Photo courtesy of Karis95

However, online headline readers were quick to anger over the weekend, and they were eager to justify their fury by reading further details of the woman's activities. Ewelina attended a party on Friday night after the accident. She is also known to have cooked a meal for friends on Saturday afternoon.

Arts Council sentences Brian Keenan to five years imprisonment, in hope he writes better book

The Arts Council, in association with Aosdana and Northern Ireland’s Department of Culture, Arts and Leisure, has sentenced former Beirut hostage Brian Keenan to five years in prison after poor reviews of his recent work. In passing sentence, Justice Kearney Pilsudski expressed the hope that Keenan’s writing style would return to its former glory in an environment similar to the one that produced his masterpiece, An Evil Cradling.

Although the costs of the incarceration will be shared by the Irish and British governments, Keenan’s human rights will be undermined to GitMo levels from the first day he enters his cell in order to both reduce the expense of his incarceration and improve the literary quality of his material upon release. He will spend most of his time blindfolded and chained to a radiator in order to replicate as closely as possible the conditions experienced when he was held for four and a half years by Islamic Jihad in wartorn Beirut.

Mr. Keenan hasn't published a book since 2010. However, due to economic factors, the idea was mooted at a recent jobs creation initiative to incarcerate him for poor reviews of his most recent literary works in order to drive up profits in the Irish arts within the next five years.

Keenan’s creative spark was fired on his release by his kidnappers in 1990, and a year later the story of his captivity, a beautifully written piece of prose, was published to great acclaim. It is not known whether a repeated bout of deprivation will foster the same artistic juices in Keenan’s now more experienced mind. It has been argued by some critics that Keenan’s creativity spark was only made possible because he was not exposed to the massive popular success enjoyed by record producers Stock, Aitken and Waterman during his years of captivity.

Professor Davis Hibrow, lecturer in English at Jesus College, Cambridge, says:
"The total and complete muck that was in the charts while he was prevented from cultural interaction in the late Eighties may have been a boon to Keenan’s creativity. It didn’t pollute his mindset. I would argue that there is less total crap out there today, per head of capita, relative to the shite that was around back then. And the availability of choice is far greater. So I really don’t know if this spell in prison will have much effect on the guy’s artistry."

Photo courtesy of

Photo courtesy of

Keenan himself was unavailable for comment, his whereabouts now unknown, but it is believed that he is in a high security prison somewhere within the thirty-two counties. However, some sources have suggested that in a knowing postmodern wink to victims of abuse in Central Europe, he may in fact be being held in a dank but furnished basement beneath his own home, completely unbeknownst to his family.

Knee injury "not serious" claims City's Lambert

The knee injury sustained by Norwich City defender Herkel Skrtel in yesterday's League match against Swansea has been deemed “not serious.”

The 23-year-old Slovakia international was given oxygen before leaving the field on a stretcher during Norwich City’s 3-2 win over Swansea after a difficult fall on the edge of the Canaries' penalty area.

A scan yesterday evening revealed minor damage to the posterior cruciate ligament in his right knee. A specialist assessed the extent of the injury and was unsure of the timescales involved in Skrtel returning to the squad.

However, a press conference was called today at which Norwich City manager Paul Lambert ruled the knee “perfectly functional”.

Norwich City Manager Paul Lambert

The club physiotherapist held up the joint, stripped of skin and muscle, to display its lateral and flexion movement, and declared it “completely serviceable.”

Skrtel's knee cap

Skrtel, who died late last night after an adverse reaction to pain medication, is survived by his family.

Today’s Genius Toddlers Form Time Travelling Terrorist Organization

A group of infants and toddlers – many of them featured on present-day infomercials advertising pre-school reading and learning techniques – are believed to have travelled back in time as adults from the year 2037, after establishing a terror network in the future, with the intention of taking over the world within the next fifteen years.

The organization – already believed to be operating covertly at high levels of government in China, the United States, Iran and other world powers – may declare its presence publicly and globally within the next five years if it succeeds in the initial phases of its plan.

The 2010 “Your Baby Can Do Anything!” Infomercial features techniques developed by pediatrician Dr Ely Lipschitz, one of the foremost child experts of the present day. A range of DVDs and booklets sold in the infomercial in one large but portable “EduPak” teaches parents of very young children numerous methods by which the children can learn to read and count – oftentimes many months before they can even speak.
Photo by Mr.Thomas, used with permission

One ten month old child – Jade Gaskell of Tallahassee, Florida – is seen in the infomercial pointing at and reading a large card held by her mother that says “Face”. Without any discernible assistance, the infant then points at her own face. Jewel Gaskell, 28, is an intern at a Manhattan-based think tank. The think tank boasts 70s Nobel Peace Prize winning carpet bombing maniac Henry Kissinger among its board members.
Puppet Master?

Jewel Gaskell and Jade Gaskell are rumoured to be the same person. It is thought that Jade / Jewel travelled back in time with many more of today’s genius level toddlers to the present and has inserted herself into our timeline in order to alter history.

Some of the time travelling terrorists may have been prematurely aged in order to look older than their late twenties. This adds fuel to speculation that President Obama may be one of their number, as opponents to him – the “Birthers” – have long contended. A renegade time traveller named Kyle Chase – who never received a preschool education – claims that Barack Obama, then known as Amerigo Al-Attaq, was the second guinea pig to have undergone ageing therapy in the late 2030s. The first was an already elderly Ely Lipschitz.

It is feared that the shooting of Bozo two years ago may be related to President Obama's attempts at acquring more power. Bozo, the renegade “White House Chimp” who fled Washington DC after being undermined in a New York Post cartoon, had been shot dead by State Troopers at a Nevada brothel.
Bozo 1979-2009. Photo courtesy Dhammika Heenpella.

The chimpanzee was the only non-human to work in a public capacity in the Obama administration, and the only chimpanzee to be retained at the White House since the departure of President Bush, who surrounded himself with chimpanzee public servants. Chimpanzees have been employed as advisers to Republican presidents since the Reagan era. Reagan himself recognized the value of employing chimpanzees, having worked with them during his pre-political career in entertainment. In what some regard as a tokenistic acknowledgment, Mr Obama retained one chimp on his staff.

It is now believed that Bozo may have uncovered President Obama's time travelling secret. Since Bozo's death, two Missouri based sign language interpreters and a profoundly deaf banana salesman in Puerto Rico have also disappeared. All three had contact with Bozo while he was on the run.

Time Travelling Toddler Terrorist?

Some time in 2036, Lipschitz will have been scheduled to give a lecture at the Johns Hopkins Faculty of Psychology. He will be kidnapped before the event and put into the ageing device developed by today’s genius toddlers, where he will be horrifically reduced to first withered skin and bone, then to dust, in mere moments. The toddler terrorists’ leader, a man simply known as T, will then enter the conference hall accompanied by a dozen accomplices. He will stride to the podium and announce:
“Doctor Ely Lipschitz…has been unavoidably decayed.”

All those in attendance at the lecture will then be executed in their seats. The event will be the first incident in the “Academic Cull” of the late 2030s resulting in the deaths of over nineteen million scientists and doctors from all fields across the planet.

Whether Barack Obama willingly underwent premature ageing is not known by the whistleblowing Kyle Chase. The rumours dogging him before he was elected president suggest that he was born in Kenya in the year 2009 rather than Hawaii nearly half a century earlier. Indeed, all that is known for sure is that eight month old Amerigo Al-Attaq – bearing a striking resemblance to the leader of the free world – is seen in the 2010 “Your Baby Can Do Anything!” Infomercial. The child is reading the Quran in Arabic, comparing it with a Farsi version, and then declaring the second English translation that he has read far superior to the first. He then shows how he can turn his immaculately clean nappy (which he declares that he “no longer has any use for, in its primary function”) into a turban, before placing it atop his head. The infomercial ends with a close-up of the child’s happy face as he clutches the bars of his play pen, rocking himself back and forth contentedly and repeating the same mantra over and over:

The “Your Baby Can Do Anything!” Edupak can be ordered by phone or online, and is recommended for all parents and educators of pre-school children.