Which College Society is the One for You?

Have you yet to join a college society?

Well, whether you’ve been raised among a pack of wolves, or you just want to smoke cannabis that’s been through an elephant’s digestive system, then you can be sure that there is a student society at your university with your name on it. First Year student Pavel Turney made that exact discovery when he delightedly signed up to join the Pavel Turney Appreciation Society at last year’s Fresher’s Week in NUI Maynooth.

Membership fees and benefits vary from society to society and from college to college. The Rye Eaters’ Society of Carlow IT charges a three euro membership fee, but discounts on rye products in Carlow town make the costs of subscription an absolute bargain, with students saving as much as 10 cents on each loaf of bread.
A half loaf of bread, at a Rye Eaters' student party.
A demonstration by the Rye Eaters about the price of wheat on the world markets two years ago led to hundreds of arrests in Carlow, with much confusion in the courts as some students admitted guilt when they were charged as rye eaters while others denied inciting rye eating on the town’s streets. The magistrate hearing all of the cases, Justice Cathal Scally, caused a storm of controversy by defining rye eating as “sudden and chaotic vandalism in the streets of a town or city,” at which point Melissa McKenna, auditor of the Rye Eaters’ Society, burst into tears from her seat in the dock and declared: “We just like eating bread, your Honour,” rounding off her statement with a healthy fibre-driven trumpet of flatulence, the force of which so impressed those in the gallery that it was met with enthusiastic applause.
The same loaf, a few hours later, after being lifted and admired..

The same loaf, from yet another angle, later that night.

If brown bread isn’t your kettle of fish, you probably fancy yourself as the next big African American Lesbian Writer and Type 2 Diabetic. Why not join UCG’s African American Lesbian Writing and Diabetes (Type 2) Society? Getting a piece of poetry or prose into their critically lauded annual publication, Hyperglycemic Beeatches (also available in Braille), can do wonders for a literary career.

Or even if you just fancy yourself, then the Narcissists’ Forum (NF) at UCD might be your thing. The British National Front (NF) Party would like to point out that it is in no way affiliated with the Narcissists’ Forum.

The Pachyderm Filtering Club, also at UCD, sources its drugs from South East Asia, and thanks to Dublin Zoo veterinarian Anthony Bennis, converts raw cannabis into difficult to analyse but high grade elephant effluence that the police don’t even want to look at.
A wrecked Indian elephant (Photo courtesy of Howe1634)

The Nelly Memory Loss Prevention Society, meanwhile, is a rival club at Trinity dedicated to undermining certain activities of the former association.
Two more wrecked elephants. Photo © Susan Bein

Undergraduates who aren’t interested in either group might find the underarm swimming classes provided by the Half Deaf Islamo-Fascists’ Equestrian Club at DCU more to their liking.

Finally, physics students yet to reach their twenties who were reared by wolves, bears and other wild animals finally get a society all to themselves with the newly established Higgs Boson Particle Study Group for Feral Teens at UCC. Weekly discussions are held all year round by this hugely popular society in the Higgs Boson Particle Study Group for Feral Teens’ Reading Room in the Boole Library, with free pebbles and grass for all who attend.